Einstein’s Relativity


Now whose hair is this?

What continuing series on the Famous Ducks of History would be complete without mention of Alfred Deduckson Einstein, the world famous theoretical psychologist who designed, patented, trashed, revamped, scrapped and then reinvented and dusted off his by then relatively old theory of the “General’s Relativity”? 


Not To Be Confused


Now for those of you who are already confused as I seem to be, Alfred D. Einstein was a duck, and should therefore not be mistaken for that German-born human with the same first and last names, the man who first worked in the Swiss patent office before moving to America and becoming a world renowned physicist.


Alfred D. Einstein should not be confused with Alfred Einstein.


Patent Pending


If you’re still furrowing your feathered brow over that one, the only patent that Deduckson ever laid his hands on was the one granted to him by the United States Patent Office for his duck egg smoothing device (See U.S. Patent Number: 000000000).  A truly remarkable invention, the duck egg smoother allows its user (i.e. any duck with a scratchy egg which is most of them) to gently reshape it into a delightful smooth and squishy round shape (a.k.a. a perfect oval).


An Act Of Ducksperation


Unfortunately, on the same day Deduckson was awarded his patent, a group of coke-snorting, gang-banger chickens moved into his neighborhood, kidnapped his daughter Liza Maebe Turpitude and demanded ransom.  With no money at his immediate disposal, and with his daughter’s woefully immoral life hanging in the balance, Deduckson quickly deduced there was only one option: He must sell his invention to the famous “Jelly Belly” and duck-egg collector Ron-egg Wiltlessfeathers Reagan, who should not be confused with Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th president of the good old U.S. of A, even though the two look remarkably similar.


Ronegg W. Reagan should not be confused with Ronald W. Reagan.


The General


Now just so we’re clear, RWR (the egg collector), who was also called “The General” by most of his friends and close duck associates, turned out to be a distant cousin of Deduckson.  What most of those out of the loop don’t realize—and that would include everybody except for the 49 individuals who coexist in my brain—is that RWR’s relationship to Deduckson was not the determining factor that convinced him to purchase Deduckson’s patent.


As it was years in development, RWR had been aware of the egg smoothing wonder for quite some time.  In fact, he had hired a phalanx of industrial-spying ferrets to ferret out whatever they could about the device. Furthermore, the now famous, fortuitously fast, frank, friendly, formal and final ferreting report initially forwarded to his freezer instead of his desk, convinced RWR that the potential size of the egg smoothing market all but guaranteed to make him a freakishly fabulous fortune.  We’re talking bucket loads of cash here—heck, egg smoother revenue was expected to surpass that from Slinky’s and Hula Hoops combined.


What A Rip-off!


Known for his affable, “aw shucks” manner and his always perfect T.V. head-feather hairstyle, The General was delighted to buy Deduckson’s patent at a fraction of it’s estimated value, a paltry $10.  That’s right, what is arguably the most amazing invention of the 20th century was stolen out from under its creator’s beak for 10 bucks—incidentally, that’s a 1 followed by a big fat goose egg as far was we’re concerned!


As you no doubt imagine, the sum was insufficient ransom for poor Liza Maebe Turpitude, though her ability to strut seducktively across any room, plank, or table, eventually won her a reprieve from what was bound to be her certain demise.  Though some might argue whether she ended up any better off as a survivor, her “talent” provided a modicum of artistic freedom in the sense she was allowed to work as feather stripper in a Hong Kong night club after being sold off in duck slavery.  A sad tail, indeed.


Stinky Cheese


And this, believe it or not, was the short way to bring us back to Einstein and his theory of The General’s Relatively.  As a psychologist of ill repute…scratch that…as an ill psychologist whose reputation suffered from eating too much stinky cheese (his favorite was Limburger) Alfred Deduckson Einstein spent an inordinate amount of time sitting alone on his bed.  This gave him ample time to contemplate his navel, the fact he despised his first name, and of course the amazingly duckish spider who would sometimes visit as he sat there thinking—the one that dropped a thread off the ceiling so as to come to rest at a point in midair, just inches from his eyes.  Eeeeek!




It was during one such visit that Deduckson suffered an amazing revelation.  Having spent long years analyzing his patient’s behavior while offering but a single line of advice—which for some reason is commonly attributed to modern day comedian Bob Newhart instead (see the video clip courtesy of YouTube below)—Deduckson realized the entire world’s psychological problems could be solved forever using a clever formula that was now indelibly etched across the back of his brain.


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Relatively Revealed


The formula later referred to as “The General’s Theory Of Relatively” can be written as follows:


“The outside circumference of a duckbill, divided by the square root of round roots, times the sum of sixteen of The General’s direct descendant ducklings, plus the age of thirty-two cousins at least twice removed is a variable whose inconsistency should remain inconstant unless given three times the amount of properly regurgitated nutrition thrice daily.  Now, if multiplied as a bi-equilateral coefficient of inefficiency, which is then divided by the sine of the co-tangential differential will produce exactly two parimutuel coupons good if redeemed prior to the fourth day of the fifth month following any Kentucky Derby.”


Or for those with considerably less patience, the formula is often summed as follows:


E equal g squared.

That’s “egg” if you’re still chewing on it.


And that as old Deduckson used to conclude, is brilliant!


Art by Shaun Novion
Interpretative History By Bob Anderson


For other startling duck history, you may also want to visit our Famous Ducks Of History page.


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