A Survivor’s Guide To The Debt Crisis

 

Get your Ducky Bucks here.

Since the Dollar will soon be worthless trade it in now for Federal Ducky Bucks.

 

There’s nothing that scares people like a crisis.  I normally don’t like to talk about current events for that very reason.  The news is scary.  Take this whole government shutdown/debt crisis, for instance—they make it sound like our economy is ready to implode.  The sad truth is we’re mired in debt. Too bad the best Congress can seem to do is kick the can down the road. When things get this bad, we all need a break, and that’s why I’ve created this list of the ten must-do steps you to protect yourself. Hey, lighten up…this is some really good stuff!

 

 

10 Steps To Survival

 

Whether or not you consider yourself an atheist, I recommend you:

 

1:  Start praying for a solution! This should include a prayer for those suffering from S.H.I.B.S.—a.k.a. Severe Head-In-Bottom Syndrome—the condition currently afflicting all those in power, most would-be politicians, and a good portion of the mainstream media.

 

Beyond prayer, I suggest you immediately take the following steps:

 

2:  Scrounge for a fanny pack. Very soon we’ll all be living out on the street, which makes fanny packs the perfect accessory item for toting around your annual rations.

 

3: Drink a bottle of wine. Immediately!  This way you can write out a message begging for help, put it in the empty bottle and cork it.  Yes, I know you’d rather cork the mouth of your local congressmen, but believe me one just won’t do for this purpose.  Besides, congressmen are granted immunity from corking. Heck, I bet you didn’t know House Resolution H9E1L1P specifically states, “Any congressman corked by a constituent will receive a bump in their pension at triple the going rate.”  FYI:  Congressional pensions are now paid in gold and/or a foreign currency of choice.

 

The buck is toast.

Soon our poor dollar will be worthless. You can thank our politicians.

4:  Rummage under all chair and couch cushions for loose change. If you find any, run to the bank and demand the teller change your coins into a foreign currency—preferably something Swiss or Canadian.  Ever tried getting coins changed at the bank?  Good luck with that.

 

5:  Stake out the dumpster at your local appliance store. You’re looking for a cardboard box big enough to hold your immediate family.  With everyone soon living on the streets, you”ll need to act fast if you plan to get the best box.  Oh, and if possible pick up a separate box for your parents as you won’t want to put up with their endless bellyaching on how great things used to be.

 

6:  Stock up on beans and Beano. Without question, beans are the single best staple to buy for getting through the coming calamity.  And because absolutely everyone will soon be eating this musical fruit, Beano is destined to become our new national currency.

 

7:  Take harmonica lessons. This is simply an issue of finding a good weight-size ratio for an entertainment device.  Don’t forget that current entertainment devices will be useless. (Remember no one will be able to afford electricity.)  The good news: Smart phones, iPads and computers will still be useful as weapons—as in something to throw at the stray congressman who dares leave Washington.  And don’t forget that from a size standpoint the harmonica is a far better option than the bass fiddle or tuba, since you’ll be roaming from camp to camp playing for your next meal.

 

8:  Start toughening up your tushy. Don’t wait on this. With factories shuttered, toilet paper will quickly become a fading memory. This means ferns, leaves, old greenbacks and the occasional cactus will become the best option for hind-end hygiene.

 

9: If traveling in the next few months, be sure to avoid any country that owns our government bonds. Once our debt becomes worthless all bets are off. And don’t say I didn’t warn you: Those poor unfortunates who got burned are bound to turn the tables. Expect to be bound and gagged, tied to a pole, and ridiculed as they use the paper our bonds are printed on for starting fires under our feet. I wouldn’t even be surprised to hear of tourists being held up at foreign borders—they’ll be wrapped and mummified in “greenback” paper mache before being shipped back to the U.S. of A.

 

Uncle Sam wants you.

Uncle Sam will certainly want you to pay more and get less. Gotta love America!

10:  Practice wearing all your clothes at once. Start pulling on all your extra clothes. You’ll want to be wearing as many as possible when they throw you out in the street.  The good news:  Extra layers add protection against cuts and scrapes, plus whenever the outer layer gets dirty you can strip it off.  That means you’ll never have to wash clothes again.  The bad news:  You’ll have to move if you live in a warm state or you’ll be much too hot.  Sadly, this means you’ll soon be living in Alaska with Aunt Martha, Uncle David, their 12 horses, 9 cows, 17 goats, 29 chickens, 31 dogs, 82 cats, 18 kids and 192 grandchildren.

 

Let me help.

 

By following the simple steps outline above, I’m convinced you’ll be ready when things go from bad to worse. Meanwhile, gather up those worthless bucks you’ve got stashed away. It’s not tool late to send them in for a signed copy of my 2014 page survival recipe book. It features 1001 things you thought you’d never eat.  Top recipes include, Boiled Shoe Leather,  Mold On A Rock, 5 Dirt Pizza, Spaghetti Shoelaces, Weed Stew and Bark Biscuits.  Better order soon…these are selling like hotcakes.

 

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy these pages:
Famous Ducks Of History
Adventures Of Javabird Comics

 

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