What To Say When The Stock Market Crashes


It's never pretty when the stock market crashes.


There’s only so much you can do when you have money invested and the stock market takes a serious nose dive.  Here are some choice words and phrases to use when you just found out your investments took a serious hit.  These work well for all those times you need to describe your current situation without offending those with more sensitive ears—that is, when you can’t jump up and down and swear.


20 Top Words And Phrases To Use When Cussing Just Won’t Do


You just found out the stock market dropped 500 points in a single day.  You jump online and see your 401K fell 14%.  What do you say?  How about:


(1)  “Aaagh.”

– As is gasping for your last breath because all life has just been sucked out of you.

(2)  “Oops.”

– As in that deep sinking feeling you get when the world is falling away from your feet.

(3)  “Ouch.”

– This is the understated approach to describe mind-jarring, bone-shattering pain.  If it doesn’t get their attention you can always follow it up with an ear-piercing pig squeal.

(4)  “Whoa.”

– As in utter shock and awe that stocks can fall this much in a single day.  Some people add a “dude” after it, but it often works all on its own.

(5)  “I guess I finally found a reason to go on that diet.”

– Yes, you did, and expect to lose a lot a weight.  After calculating it, we conclude the only way to recover is if you exclude all food related expenses for the next 10 years.

(6)  “Ah, crap.”

This is as close to cussing as we can recommend.  We do have our standards.

(7)  “Honey, have you seen my heart medication?”

– As in I’m dying here, and if you don’t find the nitro in the next 3 minutes you might as well call the coroner.

(8)  “Nooooooooooo!”

– Start loud and let it slowly fade to a soft pitch as if you’ve just fallen off a 10,000 foot cliff.  Think Wiley Coyote.

(9)  “Curses, foiled, again.”

– Yes, all you can do is make light of your situation—you might as well work into it, gently.

(10)  “Look out beloooooooooooow!”

– See number 8.

(11)  “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

– Considering your current financial situation, blacking out or fainting shouldn’t come as a surprise.  And since you just aged by at least 10 years you should expect to fall more often now.

(12)  “Sweetie, please tell me, again, why your brother told us that investing in his company was a sure deal.”

– As in, if he ever shows his face in this house again I’ll kill him.

(13)  “Anyone got enough money leftover to buy a guy a drink?”

– This is an excellent strategy to ferret out those who shorted the market.  They may also be sporting a smirk.

(14)  “The market always comes back.  Tell me it comes back.  Please, I’m begging you!  Come back!  COME BACK!”

– Try not to get hysterical.  We wish to remind you that the first stage of loss is denial.  We suggest you stick with it for as long as you can.

(15)  “Do you know if Wal-Mart is taking applications?”

– As in I hope I can get work as a greeter since my retirement fund is toast.

(16)  “What’s a few more years of work? I wasn’t ready to retire, anyway.”

– That’s the old spirit.  No one will believe you, but it never hurts to reassure the little ones.

(17)  “Excuse, me…is this the line for jumping out the window?”

– If it’s not, keep looking.  It’ll should be close, though perhaps a bit longer.

(18)  “I’m going sailing.  Where can I buy a good pair of cement shoes?”

– Don’t settle for clunky boots, either.  If you’re going to go out, go out in style.

(19)  “I think it’s time I learned to skydive…without a parachute.”

– Okay, you’re seriously past due for your Prozac.

(20)  “Hey, sweetheart, I think we outta downsize.  What do you think about living in the car?”

– After she cries and threatens to leave you, offer to let her decorate the interior in her favorite shade of pink.


Got a better one?  Why not share it in the comments below?


For more laughs check out: A Survivor’s Guide To The Debt Crisis



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