Surviving These Crazy Markets

Published August 25, 2011

Sometimes all you can do is smile.

In the past few weeks, the volatility of the stock market has felt insane. Stocks have dropped and risen like yo-yo’s on steroids, with gains or losses approaching 3 to 5 percent in a single day. If you own stocks, and it hasn’t already put you in the grave, these are the days that seem destined to shorten the span of life. How should the average investor handle it? After recovering from choking on the latest market news, cut out a fake smile and paste it on your forehead. This will remind you to laugh every time you reach to rub away that ever-more-present migraine. Of equal importance—you may want to learn the “real meaning” of the following market and investment terminology:

S&P500: While some still think this stands for the Standard and Poor’s 500 index, those in the know consider it the “Suckers & Pundits Index” since only suckers led on by pundits would ever buy into it.

DOW: Though you may have been told this is the index consisting of the top 30 companies in the US, it means no such thing. True meaning: Drunk On Wine, as in the only sensible course of action after taking a bath in the market.

NASDQ: Supposedly a “tech stock” index, this one has nothing to do with investing. Instead, it’s a common condition suffered by day traders, as in, “Never As Surreal Doing Quaaludes”.

ETF: Common mistaken acronym: Exchange Traded Fund. Correct acronym: Expect To Fail if you continue buying high and selling low.

ROI: Common Acceptance: Return On Investment. Real meaning: Run On Ink as in the thing that happens at office supply stores after a huge market loss and brokers are busy jotting down suicide notes.

QE: Quantitative Easing is the catchy phrase the media has been using in place of “Printing More Money”, but the original meaning is generally thought to be “Quick Easy”, as in the phrase politicians seem to use more and more these days—“We need a QE plan to save our asses.” We should also mention that some believe QE was originally a reference to the comments made in many Wall Street bars after the last crash, as in, “My divorce will now be QE since there’s no longer anything to fight over.”

BEAR Market: Bear market is often used to describe a sustained period of decline in the markets, but it might as well mean, “Bought Exactly At Reverse”, which is the point technical analysts point to on their charts—the one where the trend line resembles a steep cliff into the abyss.

BULL Market: “Bought Untimely Languishing Long” a phase that pertains to finally getting up the nerve to get back in the market long, just as stocks are ready to tank, again. See: BEAR Market.

BONDS: Are most often thought of as a type of debt issued by a company, but the original meaning comes from organized crime syndicates as in, “Ju break-a de bonds dat tie, we break-a ju legs.”

STOCKS: Usually thought of as the shares of a company traded on an exchange, this is actually a term to describe investors, as in the words others might view you for investing in companies in far away places, sight unseen. These include: “Stupid, Thick, Ornery, Crazy, Kooky or just plain Silly.”

STOP: Some people think of this as a way to protect against a sudden, precipitous fall of a stock price. Better usage: This is a good word used when reflecting on past investing mistakes as in, “I should have “stopped” investing ages ago.” Or “I wished you’d stopped me. You should have stopped me. Why the hell didn’t you stop me?”

CASH: Besides an investment strategy that’s guaranteed to lose only a few points for inflation per year, it also stands for Can Anyone Send Help? This is the question investors seem to be texting into“The Cloud” of late. Now, I don’t mean cloud as in that hard to define sum of our online universe, but one of those white fluffy things in the sky—one your typical stock investor prays holds an angel with a direct link to the big guy.

Got your own favorite stock definition or acronym? Why not share it with our readers in the comments below?

By Bob Anderson