The Duck Who Was Kidnapped By NASA

 

Famous Ducks of History - Javabird.com

 

Though mankind claims to be the first earth-based, moon-walking species, recent evidence uncovered through the Freedom of Information Act and held in previously top-secret NASA vaults is shedding new light on the real moon landing story.  Yes, man did set foot on the moon, but it was Neil Strongfoot, the brave little duck astronaut, who beat Neil Armstrong to the punch.

 

Not The Whole Story

 

Now, for those who follow our absolutely, totally, and completely almost true famous ducks of history series, it appears this is yet another case where human understanding of the past is based on misdirection, lies and outright fiction.  You see, most human historians will have you believe Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were the first earth wanderers to walk on the surface of the moon.  In fact, Neil Armstrong is often quoted for saying the following words after taking his first step onto the moon’s surface: “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”  I kid you not when I say he flubbed his line, and though I couldn’t prove it, I bet it’s because he felt guilty.

 

A Real Hero

 

Sadly, Mr. Armstrong, gets all the credit when credit should go to his duck space-wandering predecessor—Neil Strongfoot, who posed for NASA shortly before take-off on a super secret moon landing mission, 3 months prior to the Apollo 11 blast off.

 

A classic astronaut pose.

Neil Strongfoot posing just prior to lift off.

 

The Old Days

 

You have to remember the times.  This was way back in 1969.  Hand held smart phones, mini-PC’s and most of the technology we take for granted today hadn’t been invented.  That means a trip to the moon was little more than a hail-Mary pass, where we aimed a rocket containing a payload (i.e. a large tin can holding a man or in this case a duck) at the moon and lit a fuse.  Our hope, and it was largely hope, was our aim would be good enough we wouldn’t overshoot and end up dooming our astronauts to an eternity in space.

 

A Lot To Lose

 

Naturally, NASA had a lot of their prestige on the line.  Failure, would mean a huge setback to the entire space program, not to mention provide the Soviet Union, our space race competitor, with an incredible propaganda victory.  With the stakes so high, NASA did what humans do all the time: They kidnapped a duck to do their dirty work—one capable of testing the effectiveness of their moon landing hardware.  After all, why risk human life when you can risk a duck’s life instead.  Outrageous!

 

One Smart Duck

 

Fortunately for NASA, Neil Strongfoot was no ordinary duck having doctoral degrees in both Quantum Duck ‘em Logic and Bull’s-eye Trajectory Targeting Technique.  Both, it turned out were crucial in saving a mission that was almost doomed from the start.  The first field of study allowed poor Neil to maneuver his craft around a previously undiscovered asteroid, and the second brought him within a half an inch of his original target in spite of going 60,000 miles hard starboard to avoid it.  Of course, NASA engineers want all the credit for getting Neil through, but we know the truth, now, don’t we?

 

It was close, but Neil did it.

Using his webfeet to adjust course, Neil’s rocket just missed the asteroid.

 

Its’ All In A Footprint

 

In what is another curious aspect to this whole affair, it turns out NASA engineers were very concerned that human astronauts would sink into the surface of the moon.  It was therefore proposed to send a duck first as a duck’s feet are webbed, and thus the ratio of the total surface area of a duck foot in proportion to the mass of the duck body is greater than the ratio of a human foot to the mass of a man.  I believe this was NASA’s highfalutin way to say ducks are light and fluffy and men sink like bricks.

 

Mission Critical

 

No one can possibly imagine the incredible series of mishaps thrust upon poor Neil Strongfoot as he began his historic quest.  Just prior to stepping on board his rocket, his space suit rubbed up against the hatch handle, got caught, and he ripped a large hole in it.  Worse, as he fought to untangle himself, the hatch closed and poor Neil had no choice but to use the shreds of his suit and strap himself against the rocket for launch.  Neil then lost all his feathers as his rocket reached escape velocity.  Believe me, this made walking on the moon, one very brisk affair.  Talk about duck bumps!

 

Neil's duckprints are still there for all to see.

Alas, Neil Armstrong may be the first man who walked on the moon, but he followed in the footsteps of one brave little duck.

True Inspiration

 

So what were the first words muttered from the surface of the moon?  “That’s another duck kidnapping for man, and one giant cover up for mankind.”  No flubbing here!

 

Proof Still There

 

Though NASA intended to erase all evidence of Neil’s amazing moon landing, the crew sent to do the job happened to be passengers of the ill-fated rocket ship Apollo 13.  As we all know, Apollo 13 had to scrap it’s attempt at a moon landing in order to make it back to earth after an explosion in space nearly ended its mission.  Thus, Neil’s flag and footprints still rest undisturbed on the moon’s surface, and anyone with a powerful enough telescope can see them.  Incidentally, I have been implored to add that Neil Strongfoot’s first cousin’s second son’s sister’s uncle’s brother, Tommy Blaster Tootleface, maintains his innocence for sabotaging the Apollo 13 mission.  Until he can get a trial, he remains confined at Guantanemo being the first duck or man ever imprisoned there.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to see the complete list of

Famous Ducks of History articles found here.

 

 

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