Let’s Get Rid Of D’clutter

 

Help, we're being buried in stuff!

 
I’m struggling with too much clutter and the only way I see to deal with it is laugh.  My wife’s Dad is downsizing in order to sell his home and move to a retirement community.  I’m all for the change, but the process has made it perfectly clear we have too much stuff.  And that was true before Dad began.  Of course, it doesn’t help that my wife just can’t seem to part with certain family treasures.  Come on, do we really need 3 new sets of dishes?  I was without a clue how to handle it—that is, until I came up with 10 unique solutions for clearing away clutter.  Okay, time to lock and load—let’s roll people!

 

Send it anonymously.

I dunno…Maybe I should send myself to a clutter free home.

(1) Send it away.  That’s right, wrap up any excess clutter in a large box or shipping container.  Then select a random address out of the phone book and send it off via the U.S. mail. Hint:  Do not under any circumstances include a return address.  Just think how delighted the receiver will be to get all those treasures?

 

(2) Hold a large white elephant gift exchange party.  Whatever you do don’t tell the guests it’s a white elephant party until they arrive.  When they tell you they didn’t know about the exchange, pull out a “spare” pre-wrapped gift and hand it to them.  They’ll thank you for getting them out of a jam, and better yet all the goodies go home with the guests!

 

Oh, look dear, aren't the coals pretty?

Think of all the fun you’ll have roasting weenies and singing around the campfire.

(3) Build a bonfire.  Always popular with campers or those who like to roast marshmallows, why not start the biggest backyard bonfire you’ve ever had?  Now, start throwing on anything that burns.  Okay, maybe not all at once.

 

(4) Blow it up.  Though this suggestion might have involved hot air balloons, we’ll stick to something simple—EXPLOSIVES!  Helpful Tip: This works best around the 4th of July when you can find M-70 firecrackers at the local reservation.  Watch those fingers!

 

Too much stuff?  Push it into a big hole and bury it!

This baby ought to be sufficient for the task.

(5) Invest in heavy equipment.  While you might buy a monster truck to haul it away, I personally prefer  track-hoes or large bulldozers.  Get a friend to help toss all your clutter into a large pile and then push the whole thing onto your neighbor’s driveway.  Better yet, dig a big hole in your neighbor’s yard and then bury it.  Here’s a thought:  Do this when he’s on vacation.  You can tell him a landscaping company showed up and was all set to redo his yard, but you were able to stop them before it got worse.  Believe me, he’ll thank you profusely for watching out for his interests.

 

(6) Become a Teenage Mutant De-clutter Ninja and steamroll it.  If you can’t afford to buy your own steamroller, check with your local department of transportation to find out where their next paving project is located.  Be sure you pick a night time job, wear all black, and don’t forget to get a cool looking turtle headband.  Now, as the roller moves along, toss random junk in front of it from the shadows.

 

 

(7) Start a “Welcome To The Neighborhood” committee of one.  Look for sold signs on houses for sale and drop a basket of your excess items on the doorstep with a little note.  “Welcome to the neighborhood!  We hope you enjoy this crap…er…all these useful household items.”

 

(8) Look for a manhole cover.  Taking care to remove it, get a buddy and push one of those Goodwill collection drop boxes over the hole.  Now, fill the box to your heart’s content.

 

Clutter, clutter everywhere.

Think about it: When was the last time you could park both cars in the garage?

(9) Fill in the swimming pool.  First drain the pool.  Then stuff it with all your excess clutter.  Have the kids jump up and down to pack it down real good.  Now, get a concrete contractor to pave it over the top.  Instant-presto you just built the foundation for your new storage shed. Your spouse will be thrilled!

 

(10) Give it to a new friend.  You’ll need a new friend as your old friends are already wise to your ways.  First, take a walk around the neighborhood and find a house that’s more cluttered than yours.  Now, befriend the owner and start offering up your excess items for free.  No doubt, they’ll snatch them up, since it’s obvious they can’t turn down a real deal.

 

Sadly, in spite of my new found enthusiasm to clear away the endless piles of stuff, all the above techniques will do me very little good.  You see I married a person who likes to collect.  As she puts it, “But honey, I like d’clutter and d’junk and all d’treasures we own, and my family owns, and all d’goodies I find at garage sales, and estate sales and on Craigslist and Ebay and…”

 

Got another sure-fire way to de-clutter?  Why not share it in the comments below?

 

If you enjoyed today’s post, you might want to see:
JB’s New Reality – A Comic
JB’s Done With Downsizing – A Comic

 

If you’re struggling with clutter, you may enjoy this humorous, yet enlightening read:

Clutter’s Last Stand, by Don Aslett, available at Amazon

 

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