JW’s World Famous Almond Crunch Cookies

 

 

JW's World Famous Almond Crunch Cookies.

 

As the story goes, my wife’s Uncle John was a fireman in the Seattle Fire Department back in the day and all his fire station buddies called him JW.  I’m going with that, otherwise I’d have to call these Uncle John’s World Famous Almond Crunch Cookies.  You see the problem, don’t you?  Someone is bound to confuse our Uncle John and his delicious almond cookie recipe with the same Uncle John who wrote that World Famous Bathroom Reader series. Trust me, there is no connection and we don’t want to go there!  And to be honest, these cookies aren’t actually world famous to anyone other than JW’s friends and family—though if it turns out that you like them as much as we do I expect that to change.

 

And Now I’ll Let You In On A Dirty Little Secret…

 

The W didn't stand for anything.The letter “W” in JW is Uncle John’s complete middle name.  No, I’m not kidding.  And no, W isn’t a sign or symbol with some special meaning such as “the person formerly known as Wayne, Willy, Waverly, Wade, Weston, Walker, Wart, Whitman, Wendell, or Whoosits”.  Indeed, John’s “W” stands all on its own—no period required.

 

 

Now, it turns out John’s old fireman buddies insisted on calling him J-Dub, skipping right past the normal “double-U” pronunciation.  Pretty weird, right?  That’s what I thought, and though I haven’t been granted privy to the reason behind this closely guarded family secret, I suspect old J-Dub may not worked for the fire department, at all.  Instead, it seems much more likely to me—based on his “Jack-Of-All-Trades” skills and his outwardly effervescent, charming, and yet inwardly guarded personality—that he worked for the CIA, DIA, NSA, or some other top secret government agency.

 

There's little doubt he was a spy.

J-DUB said he was a fireman, but I’m not so sure.

With spy thriller written all over this mystery, DUB was no doubt an acronym used to describe “Special Agent J’s” particular espionage forte.  A few possibilities quickly come to mind and include: Diving Under Bunkbeds, Ducking Under Branches, Drinking Up Bordeaux, or that particularly difficult and most sought after specialty known fondly in the trade as Dirty Underwear Banishment.

 

But wait!  There’s more to this story than meets the eye (not that’s its necessary to enjoy the recipe below).  Now, if you’re a careful reader, I’m guessing you’ve probably already guessed that I happen to be thinking exactly what you’re thinking at the same time you’re thinking I thought of it first.  What are we talking about?  Simply this:  There’s something much more dark and mysterious to this whole “World Famous” episode than meets the eye.  Yes, thank you, I’m absolutely right, there is!

 

You see, as J-DUB’s cookies weren’t yet world famous, the designation “world famous” has to be a code.  In fact, with J-DUB’s highly dubious background as a secret government agent this makes a certain, undeniable sense—one he denies in no uncertain terms.  Further, it implies we can go on and on and on and on and on and on, speculating endlessly about what it all means (again, not necessary if you just want to eat cookies).

 

Doing the Mailhouse Waddle.

In a completely unrelated note, J-DUB once saw Elvis.

Here’s where this story gets marginally more interesting than it was exactly fifteen seconds ago:  The code “World Famous” is not a single word, but a phrase containing two important and separate code words.  The first code word (i.e. the word “world”) is an obvious and clear reference to a clear and ever present threat to our known universe—something on the order of a UFO or Elvis sighting, no doubt.  And the word “famous”, if taken literally, implies the threat is well-known. This immediately brings to mind an environmental issue such as global warming, yet the time frame is all wrong.  Remember, this coded message was originally written long before global warming was even on the radar.  Thus, the only real option we’re left with, especially considering J-DUB’s likely spy forte is a situation regarding Richard Nixon’s underwear.

 

Consider this: If you had just skipped on a bit, you could already be chowing down delicious almond cookies.  However, if you’re as mystified as I seem to be over the mystery shrouding the magnificent and magnanimous Mystic Mints (which are not now nor were ever a part of this long-winded diatribe) then please read on.

 

The secret to decode is divide by Pi.

Believe me: Decoding the message behind this cookie recipe is no easy task!

In spite of what first appears to be a code referencing Nixon’s personal hygiene habits and the threat they posed to world peace, the message is actually far more subtle.  The most important fact to remember here is that the cookies weren’t yet famous at the time the message was written.  Thus, the implied danger to the universe was not well known and therefore the coded phrase is actually nothing more than a pointer.  Are you still with me?  I hope that means you’ve tasked your child to start making the cookies whilst we dig ourselves deeper.

 

As I just noted, the phrase “World Famous” actually points to the recipe itself.  And lying within that recipe is a clear and unmistakable formula for the construction of a thermonuclear weapon of mass destruction of a scale George Bush only dreamed of.  I kid you not!  One needs only pull out their Batman secret decoder ring, change all the number to letters and letters to numbers, divide the numbers by “Pi”, change each consonant out for the next vowel in the alphabet, translate the entire message into Swahili, print it on a napkin, wad it up, unfold it, scan the original, drop every other letter and number, and then call on any member of the super secret Congressional Oversight Committee for Disparaging Repatriated Peter Peter Pumpkin Eaters to obtain the single ingredient J-Dub purposefully left out for fear some idiot would write about it in his blog and the thing  would go viral.  Need I bother to say J-DUB’s an absolute genius?

 

I can’t believe you’re still with me after all that, but since you are let’s move this right along: With a coded message that when translated is 99% complete—yet one that will only be read by the 1% devious enough to figure this out—it seems inevitable that most people will assume our entire introduction is in reality nothing more than an exceedingly long, complicated, laborious exercise in futility—one preceding a terrific cookie recipe.  To these people, I can only say, “And your point is?”

 

One thing seems certain…no, better make that two things…Uncle John, or old J-DUB as we’ve learned his “shadow” friends called him, is the only person still alive on the planet who knows the real truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  Sadly, J-DUB’s lips are sealed as he learned long ago not to eat cookies with his mouth full.  And finally, stories of underwear, nuclear weapons and secret codes aside, J-DUB’s cookies are literally to die for. Even James Bond would be proud.

 

Without further ado, here then is J-Dub’s World Famous Almond Cookie recipe…

 

Ingredients:

 

Time to make cookies.

You can also use Almond Roca if you can’t find Heath bars or brickle.

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 powdered sugar

1/2 cup butter (1 stick)

1/2 cup cooking oil

1/4 teaspoon almond extract

1 egg

1-3/4 cup unbleached flour

1/2 cup whole wheat flour

1/2 teaspoon soda

1/2 teaspoon sea salt

1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar

1 cup coarsely chopped raw almonds

4 to 6 ounces of butter brickle chips (or pulverized Heath Bars)

Extra sugar to roll cookies in.

 

Preparation:

 

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

 

This recipe goes together quickly.

Add all the “wet” ingredients and set your mixer to blend.

Blend the sugars, butter, oil, extract and eggs until well-mixed.

 

Mix the dry ingredients in a separate bowl.  This includes the flours, soda, salt, and cream of tartar.

 

While the blender is on a low speed, mix the dry ingredients a little at a time into the wet batter.  Continue until everything is well-mixed.

 

Mix it up well.

After the dry ingredients are mixed with the wet ones, stir in the nuts and brickle.

Last, stir in the brickle bits and nuts.  (Note: Costco generally has pretty decent pricing on nuts.)

 

Roll the dough into balls about an inch or so across, dip the balls into sugar and place on a baking sheet.  You can flatten with a fork or the bottom of a glass.

 

Who's going to read the recipe this time?

These cookies are guaranteed to disappear. Yum!

Bake 12-14 minutes until lightly golden.  Cool a minute or so on the pan before removing to wax paper.

 

These cookies freeze well.  Enjoy!

 

This recipe was submitted by J-DUB.  Your mission, should you choose to accept it is to eat the cookies.  As always, should you or any member of your team be caught with you’re your hand in the cookie jar, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.  This message will self-destruct unless you pass it on to all your friends.  Please do so immediately.

 

 

If you enjoyed this post, you may want to see Bob’s recent
6 Top Mysteries Solved By Your Duck Historian

 

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