Of Pyramids And Life’s Top Secrets



The first food pyramid.

Hmm…I have an idea.

More History From The
Duck’s Perspective


If you grew up back in the day, you’ve likely heard of the Food Pyramid. This graphic was brought to the attention of general public by our very own United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) in order to depict the types of food and number of servings we humans ought to be eating. And just to be clear, the Food Pyramid should not to be confused with the Great Pyramid of Giza or any of a multitude of “Pyramid” schemes. Of course, the USDA’s Food Pyramid graphic was not the original by any means. Though the Swedes may claim credit, that honor should rightly go to the much better, though now obscure Duck Graphic pictured below. Thankfully, as your one-and-only-on-the-ball-and-at-the-top-of-his-game duck historian, I’m willing to wade where others dare not paddle to set matters to rights.


The Duck Graphic Food Pyramid

Here is the much better, yet still unapproved “Duck Graphic”.


From Old To New


Running Up A Pyramid

This was the “snazzier” graphic introduced by the USDA in ’05.

In 2005 the original USDA Food pyramid was replaced with a new one. And contrary to the misinformation being printed and regurgitated in the media, the long overdue change came about not due to any controversy over certain foods or recommended servings, but because the then current Secretary of Agriculture was tired of having his office window dive-bombed by members of the Bring Back The Duck Graphic Campaign.


Unfortunately, as a  matter of stubborn pride, Secretaries of Agriculture over the years have stubbornly refused to end this ongoing mission of spite towards all creatures fowl or foul. Thus, the “Bring Back” campaign continues to this day (for proof see the view from Tom Vilsack’s office window early yesterday morning).


A poopy view.

Here’s the Secretary of Agriculture’s view barely 5 minutes after having his windows freshly cleaned.


Better eating graphic.

Here’s the new “official” USDA approved food graphic.

And sadly for those dedicated and disappointed campaigners, last year (i.e. June 2011) the whole food pyramid idea was scrapped in favor of “ChooseMyPlate”, a new graphic, which aims to more accurately reflect today’s research as well as be more intuitive (click the graphic to the right to go to the government’s official site).



Mrs. Obama wearing a duck mask.

Here’s Mrs. O. trying to cater to the “Bring Back” campaign as she introduces the new ChooseMyPlate graphic. Do I need to point out her blatant pandering flopped?

Why Care?


Because our lovely First Lady says you ought to. However, if history is any guide (and why shouldn’t it be), feel free to bet all the foreign currency you own that the USDA has it wrong again! Believe me, as a duck historian who dabbles in the blacker arts of cooking burnt toast and charred coconut I know a few things about food, not to mention matches, lighters, gasoline and all things generally regarded flammable.


Now, if you were going to suggest ducks know zilch about a proper human diet, let me assure you I’m not slinging algae here. In fact, after recently receiving my 10-year, sixty million dollar grant for studying the Art of Giganticus Blowhardium, a top staffer of the United Parsonages Critical of Hard to Understand and Cantankerous Killjoys (UPCHUCK), slipped me a stack of top secret documents obtained by somewhat dubious means from the government’s super-incredibly-top-secret depository of really cool stuff they don’t want us to know about—also known as Warehouse 49B.


Let Me Digress


I sympathize if you thought I was going say Warehouse 13, but as it’s my duty to set the record nearly, almost, kinda-sorta straight, it pains me to inform you Warehouse 13 is a television fiction based on the actual Warehouse 49B, which lies directly due north of Casper, Wyoming at a point that intersects an imaginary line drawn between the top of Seattle’s Space Needle and the Washington Monument. If you don’t believe me, go check it out yourself—come on, I dare you. However, don’t expect to see it on Google Earth as the facility is entirely underground. Oh, and bring a shovel, long-underwear, a tent, two bottles of dandruff shampoo and some catsup if you plan to get in.


Moving right along…


Within the stack that came into my possession was a pink and yellow striped packet containing one long-demised potato bug, 14 uncooked rice noodles, an Indian head nickel, the complete instructions for building a 50 megawatt nuclear power plant out of Legos, and the amazing new graphic I’m about to share with you. This graphic depicts (drum roll please)…da, da, ta, da, da, ta, da, da, ta, da, ta…the heretofore secret daily requirements for leading a thoroughly happy and harmonious life!  Just remember you saw it here first.


You saw it here first, folks: MyPlateOLife.

Here’s the super extra really top secret document discovered in Warehouse 49-B.


As we hope to keep this formerly over the top secret document still somewhat secret after exposing the secret here on this less than secret website, we shall hereinafter refer to it simply as X-115. True, X-115 is arguably a cheap knock-off of the USDA’s acclaimed ChooseMyPlate graphic. However, knock off or not, it does break down life’s essentials into 5 categories all distinctly depicted in different hues and offset with bold lettering to make everything easier to read and understand. Kinda purdee, right? Let’s now examine this graphic in detail and see where it leads—at least according to UPCHUCK and yours truly.


X-115: The Nitty Gritty


More wine, please.

Bring on the wine!

Wine: Whilst many amongst the flock of humanity have long savored the grape elixir for its near-mystical power to make one a wee bit tipsy, UPCHUCK now documents that wine’s critical importance to leading a happy life is vastly underrated. In fact, of all essential daily “vitamins”, wine may be the single most important to consume in vast quantities. Wine not only gives a person something to hold in their hand during an awkward social interaction, but it also helps to encourage all types of bawdy behavior, which insures wine drinkers have much more fun than non-wine drinkers wherever they go.


A fancy chococlate cake.

Chocolate comes in many forms. Take advantage of every last one of them!

Chocolate: UPCHUCK goes on to document that chocolate (particularly dark chocolate) is nearly as critical as wine to support good health, pad ever expanding waistlines, and works like a charm when used as a bribe for good behavior—especially with a spouse, a louse, or even those you’d prefer to lock in the house. Furthermore, enough chocolate can turn a bad, sad, or thoroughly depressing day into a bird-tweetin’, pig-snortin’, tail-waggin’, frog hoppin’, skipadeedodah, nary-a-care-in-the-world day of rejoicin’ and singin’ praises, hallelujah! Aren’t y’all feelin’ better yet?


Coffee ice cream.

Ice cream comes in many wonderful flavors. They’re all acceptable and should be a part of your daily food intake.

Ice Cream: Not to be overlooked, this heretofore incorrectly classified dairy product has now been reclassified as a non-meat, high-protein essential, not unlike peanut butter and portabella sandwiches. Thus, eating all the ice cream you want will not only give you that ever-pleasant brain-freeze buzz, but it will do it while providing your body with critical protein sustenance. Incidentally, ice cream is especially good for breakfast if covered in dark chocolate and accompanied by a tall glass of red wine.


My siamese cat.

Go ahead. Toy with the cat.

A Walk In The Park: Life is not entirely about food, and thus this category actually represents the sum of all those activities considered fun to do. This includes everything from lying on the couch and staring at dust motes, making the cat chase a red laser dot around the living room, giving your new girl or boyfriend a hickey and so on. However, in spite of the name, it does not include any form of movement or transfer of energy that generates sufficient forward momentum and velocity on a body of mass such as to allow same said body to pass through a plane perpendicular to the plane of least resistance, especially at tax-subsidized locations containing unnatural or modified bi-pedal throughways, which are listed in city, county, state or national registries. (For great fun at parties, try tossing back a glass of wine and then say the previous sentence as fast as you can at least three times on a single breath of air.)


Dusty's fast asleep.

Sleep anytime and anywhere. Oh, and be sure to put those paws up.

Zzz’s: Also unrelated to food, this category refers to that blissful and glorious state one finds oneself to be in just prior to the alarm going off in the morning. UPCHUCK documents that Zzz’s are a critical life ingredient for continued brain function, especially after too much wine, chocolate, ice cream or a long walk in the park. Further, Zzz’s can be especially useful while on the job to demonstrate a strong sense of employee job satisfaction. Of course, this must be done such as to prop one’s eyelids open with toothpicks and then prop one’s head up and aim it at a computer monitor, thus giving a casual viewer the idea they are witnessing intense concentration on an important project.


And there you have it folks—not only your link to the government’s lovely new food graphic brought to you courtesy of the USDA and Mrs. Obama, but the secret to a much longer and happier life. Best get started. It’s high time for a little wine and chocolate.


If you enjoyed this post, you are much appreciated for your wacky sense of humor. For more Famous Ducks entries click here.



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