Valentines: All In Desperation


Stamping a card with love.

We’ve got this whole Valentine racket figured out. Pay close attention.

The Right Way Or The Highway


If you’re like most people, chances are you may be struggling to come up with the best Valentine’s plan ever. Fear not! We can help. Check out the sure-fire solutions listed below:


Time for my once a year bath.

Sure, you can still see your breath, but just wait until you get out. She’ll be dying to snuggle up in a blankie.

Go skinny dipping with your partner. Skinny dipping has a long history. Back in the day, jumping in the water buck naked on Valentine’s was no more special than any other day of the year—that’s because people only bathed once a year. Today it’s different—or at least we hope it’s different for your sake. Nowadays, people wear clothes all the time so going without is a big deal. Heck, shucking off your clothes is considered downright naughty in some circles, and that can do wonders to spark a little romance. Your best bet as you make your joint plunge: Avoid ponds with gators and snakes, or lakes and rivers fed by melting glaciers.


Become a couch potato.

Become one with the couch.

Stay at home and do absolutely nothing weekend. This beats the old “Go out and have a romantic getaway weekend” hands down, plus it’s much easier on the wallet. Here’s the basic plan: Send the kids off to grandma’s (Sucker!). Now, lock the doors, take the phone off the hook and don your most comfortable pair of dumpy-looking sweats. Next, gather up some snacks, chips, pop, beer, wine and crackers and then stake your claim on the cushiest chair or couch in the house. Your goal is to move as little as possible the entire weekend as you sleep, eat, belch, watch TV, and then do it all again. Note: This works best if you and your partner pick opposite ends of the house. No sense fighting over the remote.


A romantic dinner for one.

Dinner for two? No way! Too risky.

Dinner for one. They used to suggest a nice quiet dinner for two at some restaurant. Good grief, were they nuts? Dinner for two is a recipe for a relationship disaster if there ever was one. Why would anyone risk sitting with a partner at the same table for sixty to ninety minutes without children or some other attention-sucking distraction?  You might as well stick your hand in the fire. Why not send your spouse out for an ice cream cone, instead? That way you can grill yourself a steak on the old BBQ and crack open a beer. You’ll skip right past that big fight and both be happier in the morning.



Give your Valentine your leftover chocolate wraps. Do you really want your sweetie getting any heavier by eating all that chocolate in the pretty heart-shaped box?  Of course, not! Instead, suck it up and eat all the chocolate yourself—oh, and save the little wrappers. Now, get out your scissors, cut a heart shape out of  each one, and then place them all back in the box. Believe me—your sweetheart will end up loving you all the more for your fearless sacrifice.


A nice romantic massage for one. Yeah, sure, some say you should have a romantic couples massage, but that’s just silly. The best massage is one where you don’t have to pay attention to anything other than the person rubbing oil all over your skin. Do you really want to listen to your partner blather on as your masseuse is doing her best to turn your body into bread dough? Besides, a massage is bound to feel so good you could start crying any minute, and you sure won’t want your partner filming that. No doubt they’d plaster it all over YouTube™.


Gold and diamonds.

This stuff is a mistake. It’s just too pricey.

Instead of jewelry, get her something stuffed. These days, the cost of gold is through the roof. And though diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, I think you should be asking yourself whether you want to go in hock for a rock just so she’ll own something else she loves more than she loves you. No, get her a stuffed bear or pillow, instead. That way if she throws your present back in your face  it won’t hurt nearly as much.


Get her long underwear instead of lingerie. Yes, every guy on the planet would prefer his Valentine wore sexy lingerie, but if you’re the guy, the chances of actually seeing her in it are almost zilch. If she’s going to cover up anyway (which you should expect unless you’re still in the first six months of your relationship) you might as will keep her warm and toasty. Get the long undies—the one with a little trap door behind her. That should keep certain options open even when hell freezes over.


A lovely red scarf.

If you can think of nothing else for Valentine’s, try dressing up the dog.

Surprise her with a complete makeover. Let’s face it: Her clothes, hair and make-up are getting decidedly less and less attention over the years. Do yourself a favor and wait until she’s out of the house. Now, take all her clothes and make up and throw them in the trash. Don’t bother with charity, they won’t want them either. When she comes home and starts yelling, tell its all part of her extreme makeover. If you get desperate, tell her Oprah suggested it. Surprise! Oh, and you may want to hand her a couple bucks to go shopping, lest she smack you over the head for your effort.


Beautiful multi-colored roses.

These are beautiful, but fake is better.

Get her some silk flowers. Really, this whole “flower bouquet” tradition should have been abandoned a long time ago. Hello? Has anyone ever heard of allergies? Oh, sure, if you prefer watching her sneeze and wheeze all day then by all means go ahead and buy her the most exotic, fragrant flowers you can find and have her bring them in the house. Seriously, there are so many advantages to silk flowers: If you vacuum them off once in a while they’ll last a couple decades, they’ll never need watering, and you can hide a web cam inside them to spy on her—all without worrying it’ll get tossed because the bouquet wilted.


Hey, don’t leave your buddies clueless. Share this before you forget.


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