Hey, it’s almost Valentine’s Day. Are you ready for the big day? Have you crossed all your “t’s” and dotted  your “i’s” and come up with the ultimate way to spend the day with your sweetie? If not, you’d best hop to it. Valentine’s is serious business and you don’t want to mess it up.

 

Thankfully, there’s no longer any need to worry. You’ve come to the right place, you still have a few days, and we’ve made the job one you can laugh about. What’s our secret? We’ve taken on several old romantic traditions and adapted them to the reality of modern day living. These ideas are bound to become instant classics so you’d best check ‘em out.

 

 There’s A Right Way And Then There’s The Highway

 

If you’re like most people, chances are you may be struggling to come up with the best Valentine’s plan ever. We can help. Check out the sure-fire solutions listed below:

 

Go skinny dipping with your partner. Skinny dipping has a long history. Back in the day, jumping in the water together buck naked on Valentine’s was no more special than any other day of the year—that’s because people only bathed once a year. Today it’s different—or at least we hope it’s different for your sake. Nowadays, people wear clothes all the time so going without is a big deal. Heck, it’s considered downright naughty in some circles, and that can do wonders to spark a little romance. Your best bet: Avoid ponds with gators and snakes, or lakes and rivers fed by melting glaciers.

 

Stay at home and do absolutely nothing weekend. This beats the old “Go out and have a romantic getaway weekend” hands down, plus it’s much easier on the wallet. Here’s the basic plan: Send the kids off to grandma’s (Sucker!). Now, lock the doors, take the phone off the hook and don your most comfortable, dumpy-looking sweats. Next, gather up some snacks, chips, pop, beer, wine and crackers and then stake your claim on the cushiest chair or couch in the house. Your goal is to move as little as possible the entire weekend as you sleep, eat, belch, watch TV and sleep and eat some more. Note: This works best if you and your partner pick opposite ends of the house. No sense taking a chance you’ll have to wrestle for the remote.

 

Dinner for one. They used to suggest a nice quiet dinner for two at some restaurant. Good grief, what were they thinking? Dinner for two is a recipe for a relationship disaster if there ever was one. Why would anyone risk sitting with a partner at the same table for sixty to ninety minutes without children or some other attention-sucking distraction?  Do you enjoy playing with fire? Why not send your spouse out for an ice cream cone, instead? That way you can grill yourself a steak on the old BBQ and crack open a beer. You’ll skip right past that big fight and both be happier in the morning.

 

Give her your leftover chocolate wraps. Do you really want her getting any heavier by eating all that chocolate in the pretty heart-shaped box?  Instead, suck it up and eat all the chocolate yourself—oh, and save the little wrappers. Now, get out your scissors, cut a heart shape out of  each one, and then place them all back in the box. Believe me—she’ll end up loving you all the more for your fearless sacrifice. What a guy!

 

A nice romantic massage for one. Yeah, sure, some say you should have a romantic couples massage, but that’s just silly. The best massage is one where you don’t have to pay attention to anything other than the person rubbing oil all over your skin. I mean, come on, do you really want to listen to your partner blather on as your masseuse is doing her best to turn you into bread dough? Besides, a massage is bound to feel so good you could start crying any minute and you sure don’t want your partner filming that to share with all her friends on YouTube!

 

Instead of jewelry, get her something stuffed. These days, the cost of gold is through the roof. And though diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, I think you should be asking yourself whether you want to go in hock for a rock just so she’ll own something else she loves more than she loves you. No get her a stuffed bear or pillow, instead. That way if she throws your present back in your face  it won’t hurt nearly as much.

 

Get her long underwear instead of lingerie. Yes, every guy on the planet would prefer the sexy lingerie, but if you’re the guy, the chances of actually seeing her in it are almost zilch. If she’s going to cover up anyway (which you should expect unless you’re still in the first six months of your relationship) you might as will keep her warm and toasty. Get the long undies—the one with a little trap door behind her. That should keep certain options open even when hell freezes over.

 

Surprise her with a complete makeover. Let’s face it: Her clothes, hair and make-up are getting decidedly less and less attention over the years. Do yourself a favor and wait until she’s out of the house. Now, take all her clothes and make up and throw them in the trash. Don’t bother with charity, they won’t want them either. When she comes home and starts yelling, tell its all part of her extreme makeover. If you get desperate, tell her Oprah suggested it. Surprise! Oh, and it may not be a bad idea to hand her a couple bucks to go shopping, lest she smack you over the head for your efforts.

 

Get her some silk flowers. Really, this whole “flower bouquet” tradition should have been abandoned a long time ago. Hello? Has anyone ever heard of allergies? Oh, sure, if you prefer watching her sneeze and wheeze all day then by all means go ahead and buy her the most exotic, fragrant flowers you can find and have her bring them in the house. Seriously, there are so many advantages to silk flowers: If you vacuum them off once in a while they’ll last a couple decades, they’ll never need watering, and you can hide a web cam inside them to spy on her—all without worrying it’ll get tossed because the bouquet wilted.

 

Hey, no complaints. If none of these ideas work, there’s always next year.

 

By Bob Anderson
© 2012 Javabird LLC. All rights reserved.

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