6 Top Mysteries Solved By Your Duck Historian

 

 

What's faster than a herd of turtles? A herd of turtles wearing lederhosen.

 

The words you’re about to read may seem unusually convoluted on the surface. Don’t worry, they’re written in a secret code designed to confound and amuse (or maybe that’s confuse and abuse). In any case, it took me whole fractions of a fraction of a second to compose each sentence in such a way as to be more titillating than a herd of turtles decked out in tight-fitting lederhosen. But wait, there’s more to come!

 

Anomalies

 

I feel it only fair to warn you that as a singular anomaly (i.e. your one and only Famous Duck Historian), I’ve issued myself license to obscure the unfathomable in order to make it perfectly clear. This assures all facts presented herein get sucked down a black vortex of gravity and time, do a triple back flip followed with a half twist, and are then flushed into an alternate reality where they’re proof-checked by tiny rodents suffering from a genetically predisposed tendency to squint. Poor little buggers!

 

A vortex of gravity and time.

This is the way the vortex looks to our squinty-eyed fact checkers. Oh, boy, here comes a slew of wannabe facts!

 

Solving Puzzles

 

Mystery #1: Why are we always sweeping up cookie crumbs?

 

Let me be a tad less confusing than I was when I typed this in a parallel universe just two minutes ago: There are many secrets about to be revealed here—secrets that may seem unconnected on the surface. Do not be alarmed. Not only are they connectable, but in process of connecting them for the sheer pleasure of listening to myself prattle on, I promise to reveal the answers to several of the key mysteries that have befuddled the best minds on Jeopardy. This includes the 84th place all-time champion who spends her days in your guest closet twisting apart entire bags of Oreo cookies in order to lick out all the frosting. By the way, it’s not a good idea to laugh if she’s wearing an alien costume resembling a duck and has an aluminum foil hat.

 

Mystery #1 Solved: Now you know why you’ve seen all those dark crumbs scattered about the house, and why your child’s been suffering from a long string of nightmares. You’re welcome.

 

A woman dressed up in an alien costume is not a pretty sight.

You’d best re-check your closets and stock up on more Oreo’s. It’s going to be a long one. Better turn on a night light.

 

We’ve Only Just Begun

 

Lest you think we’re off to a shaky start, there’s much more where that came from. For example, the real story behind: UFO’s, Digital Art Pictures, Cave Paintings, Alien Party Supplies, Pac Man and Fuel-efficient Cars.

 

Perhaps it best to go back in time…way back. I’m speaking, of course, of ancient human history—you know, back in the days when human sacrifices to the gods were commonplace, slaves built pyramids, and man scratched out elaborate drawings on cave walls.

 

Think I can dig myself deeper? Heck, for you I’ll try anything!

 

Mystery #2: Who was left behind and why?

 

It’s a well-known and commonly accepted fact that in every universe outside the one man defines to suit his own needs, ducks came first. In truth, ducks have been around so long and have populated so many different planets in our universe that in the grand scale of things, man is but a teensy fly on a teensy apple on a teensy tree in a teensy orchard on a teensy farm near a…oh, you get the drift. Ducks, on the other webfoot, are more like a gargantuan wooly mammoth, on a humongous mountain, on a massively enormous continent, on a Jupiter-sized planet, in the king of all solar systems, yada, yada, yada.

 

Mystery #2 Solved: Ducks first. Man way, way, way, way, way behind.

 

 

An Issue Of Relevance

 

I suppose you were about to ask why “who came first” is relevant to our discussion. Sorry, I jumped the gun on you before you could spit it out. It would have been an excellent question. Let me make it up to you: You’re obviously paying attention and deserve a cookie. Go tell your mother and come back as soon as you’re done. Feel better? Good, then listen up…

 

When you finally wrap your head around the fact the history of ducks extends over a vastly longer timeline than the relatively short, squat and insignificant “timedash” that represents the history of man, you automatically gain the wherewithal that allows you to explain the things you couldn’t possibly explain before attaining aforesaid wherewithal. Of course, this precludes the possibility you’ve been making up facts off the top of your pretty little head. As you may have guessed, making up facts isn’t my problem, nor is my head all that pretty for that matter.

 

A technological advances timeline as it relates to duck and man history.

This diagram puts the whole timeline issue in perspective. As you can see, ducks are far, far ahead of us and could squash our puny little brains if they wanted to.

 

What’s that? You’d like to hear more about aforesaid wherewithal? Then stick with me like bees stick to honey, like peanut butter sticks with jelly, like gum sticks to the sole of your shoe, like a new bride sticks with her wedding gown, like bad odors stick to garbage, like…like…like superglue!

 

Mystery #3: Is Mona smiling or smirking?

 

We’ll skip right past the topics of artists in general, painters, paintings for sale, oil paintings, Egyptian paintings, various media used by painters and exciting rainbow colored underwear just so we can delve into the topic of ancient cave drawings. Yes, I thought you’d be impressed.

 

Now, as any student of human art history is keenly aware, early man (lacking modern, more sophisticated software to create pictures by digital means), would often resort to using sharp and pointy rocks to scratch out crude drawings on cave walls. He (or she) would then color in the “pictures” using ash or the stain from berries or other plants, not to mention the occasional life-blood of a too-nosy neighbor or couch-potato spouse. Though some suggest the quality of these works is no better than modern day graffiti, the fact is there is no better historical record from the era. (Unless, of course, you go to any library on the planet Zippermax—the capital of the Gorgadon Duck Empire—and check out the new and revised, “Famous Duck’s: A Short History Of Earth” by yours truly. FYI: All 637 volumes are soon to be available on Amazon.)

 

The proof for aliens goes back to the beginning of time.

Here’s a sampling of the prehistoric cave art recently discovered in Southern France. Looks like we’ve never been alone.

 

Moving right along: If you’ve ever tried scratching a rock with another rock to do something as simple as carving your initials, you should begin to understand the difficulty of portraying a smile versus a smirk, and the epic scale of work involved. Modern day forensic archeologists estimate that even simple cave art might take skilled cave-scratchers an entire lifetime, or as little as fifteen minutes depending on who happens by. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!

 

Mystery #3 Solved: Rocks suck for scratching out facial expressions, but for the real story on Mona click here.

 

The one and only Leonardo DaVinci cave art oil painting.

Sadly, some artists have always been better than others as proven from this recent cave find. Archeologists tell us this work was created in less than 4 minutes flat. It must have been her too sexy smile.

 

It’s A Matter Of Record

 

Mystery #4: Who invented it first and just what was “it”, anyway?

 

Now, faithful readers, we bring you the real history of Pac Man. For those of you who lived through the early 80’s or shortly thereafter, you’ve no doubt heard of this delightful little video game. At its most basic, it’s a digitally enhanced adventure where players takes on the persona of a clam-shaped character who goes running around chomping little pellets. Interestingly, while the human company Namco claims the Pac Man concept as their original idea, our alternate universe, squinty-eyed, truth-checking rodents say otherwise. They point to a recent archeological dig in Southern France (pictured above), which unearthed shocking new evidence the game was actually based on an alien abduction, or perhaps I should say an alien ab-duck-tion!

 

The Pac Man comparison.

Here it is video game fans: The proof Pac Man was inspired by an alien duck!

As you can clearly see from the accompanying sketch, the original Pac Man character has an uncanny resemblance to one of the unearthed cave drawings. Shocking! And as we now can agree ducks have been around far longer than human beings (see above), it’s but a small step to conclude the artist who whiled away his days scratching out this cave drawing must have been abducted by “aliens” (i.e. a space-faring race of ducks). Think about it: How else would he come up with the idea for a technologically advanced and helmeted space creature? Impossible, right? I ask you: Will shameless plagiarism on the part of modern day video gamesters never cease?

 

Mystery #4 Solved: Pac Man was an alien duck, not a man at all. Under the circumstances, the game should have been called Pac Quack and Pac Quack should have run around collecting eggs!

 

Did You Think We Were Too Stupid To Take Note?

 

Mystery #5: Are flying saucers for real?

 

Duh! Of course, they’re real. For proof, I’ve rodent-checked the picture below taken in the month of June 1966 from a C-47 Skytrain at an altitude of 12,000 feet by H.Williams—a trusted acquaintance of my earthbound father-in-law. Mr. Williams was was quoted as saying, “Roger that, one-niner…Hey, Dave, we’ve got a bogey at 10 o’clock! What the…hold on there, pardner, that ain’t no Frisbee! Better go to DEFCON 1, and somebody call the President!”

 

Is it real or a fake?

(Click to enlarge.) This unedited photo was shot in 1966. The next day the U.S. Supreme court ruled in Miranda vs. Arizona that police must inform suspects of their rights before questioning them. Related? Of course, it’s related! We certainly don’t want the aliens falsely imprisoned now, do we?

 

I should add any mention of flying saucers in this column should not be construed as a wanton display of highfaluting antics. Far from it! In fact, I’m just getting down to the meat of my mostly vegetative vegetarian discourse. What exactly am I referring to? Well, it’s certainly not the people who use unidentified flying objects to make a living selling alien costumes and t-shirts to those imbeciles who try to break into “Area 51”.

 

FYI: For those fourteen individuals still unaware, Area 51 is a super-secret, highly classified military facility in a remote section of Nevada famous for super-secret, highly-classified “UFO” sightings. If you don’t believe me, just check in with Agents Mulder and Scully.

 

Can You Help Me Get Back In The Saddle Of My High Horse?

 

Long a source of inspiration for those who make remote-controlled devices, which soar through the air with the greatest of ease, UFO’s and/or flying saucers should not to be mistaken for trapeze artists. I know it’s confusing—any UFO that has big sign plastered on the side that says something like, The Greatest Show On Earth, The Greatest Show On Baldazong, The Greatest Show This Side of Pluto, etc., will likely contain any number of acrobatic types. (Source: Ringling Brothers)

 

Now, some claim UFO’s are and have been an outright scam from the get-go (i.e. this would include those in positions of power and influence). On the other side are all those who say UFO’s are real and are being covered up so as not to scare the general public about the existence of man-eating extraterrestrials. The people making these claims include everyone not in power, those without any influence whatsoever, and all those who insist they’ve seen aliens, are always looking over their shoulders for aliens, or those who tend to wear aluminum foil on their heads to prevent aliens from scanning their thoughts (see also Mystery #1).

 

Super Top Secret revealed!

(Click to enlarge.) Here’s the previously suppressed truth revealed once and for all. Flying saucers piloted by aliens have entered our airspace!

Today, I can say without even a tiny bit of queasiness in the pit of my stomach, that because of Pac Man and the fact that ducks came first, UFO’s are for real—no, really they are. Furthermore, as I recently came across a previously classified section of the 1960 U.S. Statistical Abstract (see the document to the left), I can state for the record there were exactly 3,435 actual “piloted” flying saucers that entered the earth’s atmosphere and crossed into U.S. airspace in 1959. In addition, I’ve learned the pilots for these space traveling vehicles can be divided into four distinct subcategories. These include:

 

(1) Duck aliens who sell flying saucer lamps filled with alcohol to minors on welfare (shameful!).

(2) Duck aliens who barter and exchange alien party supplies for moonshine.

(3) Duck alien wannabe’s who sell outdated versions of shark alien laptops to third-rate, backwater planets (i.e. Earth).

(4) Test pilots for the U.S. Air Force posing either as UFO investigators, ancient astronauts, or as medical quacks selling alien implants (this includes beaks, buttocks, breasts and biceps).

 

Mystery #5 Solved: Two out of four flying saucer pilots are real live duck aliens. One out of four duck alien pilots are drunk. The rest are posers, though one is filthy rich!

 

It’s Not Easy Being Green

 

And no, I’m not talking about Kermit.

 

Mystery #6: When and why were green cars originally invented?

 

The issue of green cars should not be in any way confused with green cards and the whole hot-button topic of duck alien immigration. Yes, I know…you fail to see the obvious relationship between Pac Man, Ab-duck-ted aliens and energy efficient “green” cars. Believe, me, that’s why I’m still here pounding away at my keyboard faster than the speed of light.

 

Here goes nuttin’: Pac Quack came to visit earth, right? This is where you nod your head, affirmatively. Let’s practice all together. Good. Now, in the process of his visit he was assigned to abduct a few humans and perform any number of scientific experiments and a few practical jokes. So tell me this, dear reader: How do you suppose old Pac Quack got around while he was visiting our lovely planet, eh? Ever think about that? I didn’t think so, but don’t worry because I’m about to wrap this up as tight as triple granny knot.

 

Here’s the crux of the matter: Absolutely everyone who’s taken the time to think about it knows the whole idea of a transporter  (think Star Trek) is a load of hooey. I mean who in their right mind is going to step onto a transporter platform and “hope” they appear unscathed a couple light years away? No, Dr. McCoy had it right—it makes no sense to risk scattering your particles across the known universe or end up inside of a brick.

 

And then there’s the whole issue of gas stations—as in the franchised operations corporate conglomerates use to mass market highly distilled petrochemicals in order to redistribute the wealth of the population at large (no judgment implied or intended—the dirty scumbags). Need I bother to add gas stations hadn’t been invented back when Pac Quack first came to visit? Thus, the only way to get around on earth in the day was by roping a jack-ass or soliciting a camel jockey, unless you just happen to have a solar, biomass or pre-fueled, super-efficient green car capable of traveling across rugged terrain.

 

Mystery #6 Solved: Green SUV’s were created shortly after the dinosaurs became extinct by duck aliens for the specific purpose of rounding up humans for scientific experiments and playing practical jokes.

 

Aliens may discover our plant by accident.

Fodder for another day: How about all those aliens that took a wrong turn?

 

Rest Easy. The World’s Safe Again.

 

And there you have it folks. Six of your biggest world mysteries solved for all of eternity. Remember, you heard it here first!

 

‘Till next time.

 

By Bob Anderson

Art By Bob Anderson & Shaun Novion

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