The Great Debates: Political Humor

 

 
Editor’s note: Any resemblance of actual politicians to the pictures and words contained herein is the fault of the politicians who resemble these cartoon likenesses and who are by their nature the very picture of wordiness.

 

The Great GOP Debates of 2012

 

Moderator (Mod): Good evening. Tonight we are broadcasting from “Folderol Hall” at Poughkeepsie’s Elmo T. Poppikock Convention Center. We have the top four GOP presidential candidates on hand to answer a few questions.

Our first candidate is former congressman and former Speaker of the House: Sal E. Mander. Good evening Mr. Congressman…

 

Sal E Mander making a pitch.

Here's Sal E. Mander making his pitch for colonies on the moon. Said Sal, "We'll send anyone without a job to the cheese mines. Unemployment solved!"

 

SEM: Good evening Mr. Moderator.

Mod: Tell me sir, what does the “E” in your middle name stand for?

SEM: Eft.

Mod: As I recall my high school biology, an eft is an immature newt, is it not?

SEM: I hear that all the time and I think it’s inappropriate. It’s neither appropriate nor funny. Now, If You have some questions about the issues, please ask them

Mod: In a recent speech you said after you are elected you will have established colonies on the moon by the middle of your second term. Why?

SEM: Why what?

Mod: Why do we need colonies on the moon?

SEM: Population control.

Mod: I’ll get to that in a minute, but I meant, why the moon?

SEM: Because it’s there. [Chuckles] I heard that just the other day: When asked, “Why climb Mount Everest?” Hillary said, “Because it’s there.” And I didn’t even know she climbed mountains.

Mod: “She?”

SEM: Yes, Hillary. You know, our Secretary of State Clinton. And I got to hand it to the gal. I don’t like her politics but she sure has spunk.

Mod: Ah…I think that Hillary you are referring to is Sir Edmund Hillary, the first person to summit Mount Everest along with his Sherpa guide Tenzing Norgay.

SEM: Oh. Well, history was never my strong suit. I am a man of now, not the past. And the future, too, of course.

Mod: A minute ago you said we needed colonies on the moon for population control. Would you expand on that?

SEM: Of course, glad to. We need a place to send people who are not contributing to the rebuilding of America: The homeless, the unemployed, the non-contributors if you will, the parasites claiming disabilities and their latest scam, P.T.S.D.

Mod: You mean you would just send these people to the moon?

SEM: They can have their own colony on the moon, their own nation…their own world…to make of it what they will. And the rest of us can get back to remaking America to what it once was. We will get back the American dream. The dream our forefathers had when they stood on Plymouth Rock and established this great country.

Mod: That is a lofty goal, Mr. Speaker. How would you accomplish that?

SEM: It won’t be easy. That’s why I said it’ll be done by the middle of my second term. Six years. Give me six years and we will take a broken America back and re-cast it into the America it once was.

Mod: Thank you Mr. Speaker. Moving on…

 

♦ — ♦ — ♦

 

Glover Omni is part of the one percent.

Glover makes his case for rebuilding the economy. "First, we need to do something about of all these poor people. They're destroying the fabric of my suit...er, better make that fabric of society. Yes, that's better. It's better, isn't it? Who can tell me if it's better? Anyone?"

 

Mod: Our next candidate is former governor of Massachusetts, Glover Omni. Good evening, Sir.

GO: Good evening. First of all I’d like to say there are no easy answers to the hard questions. That said…

Mod: Excuse me sir, I was just greeting you. I haven’t asked a question yet.

GO: [smiles and nods]

Mod: Our economy…some say “weak economy”…has become an issue in this election year. What…

GO: Yes it has and I’m glad you asked that. Our poor economy is weak because we have lost the values of the American people. If we are to rebuild the America we all love, we must come back to American values.

Mod: Specifically sir, what do you have in mind?

GO: We have to move the country in the right direction on an economy that’s built to last. Let there be no doubt, if we grow the economy we can build for restoring the future.

Mod: Very good governor, could you share your plan with the audience? I mean specifically what would you do if you were president?

GO: I will focus on new priorities by turning the page on Obama’s history book. I’ll redefine goals and make the difficult decisions. There are lessons to be learned from his administration, a red flag has been raised, but I will start the healing process.

Mod: If elected, what would be your first move? Please be explicit, we can take it. [Audience laughs]

GO: [smiles, nods, points finger gun at moderator, mouths “touché”] I’ll put the train back on the track and it will be “forward, full speed ahead.” I’ll focus on new priorities to start the healing process.

Mod: This is all very good governor, but give me and the audience your first step. What, exactly would you do?

GO: I’ll take this great country to the next level. The American people deserve no less. I’ll look at things through a different lens. As you know, the system is broken, but I’ll step up to the plate and make the difficult decisions about setting priorities and making cuts, ‘til all success be nobleness and every gain divine.’ ”

Mod: And with that line from America the beautiful, I’ll move on to our next candidate.

 

 ♦ — ♦ — ♦

 

Sandy Torium making another misstatement of fact.

Here's Sandy telling yet another teensy tiny little fib: "I was the most fiscally conservative member of the Senate during my 12 years in Congress." Apparently, there was no need to count the four other Senators who rated higher. The truth is such a tricky bugger, isn't it?

 

Mod: Our next candidate is former Pennsylvania State Senator, Sandy Torium. Good evening Senator.

ST: Good evening. I’m happy to have the opportunity to be here and discuss obviously the number one issue on everyone’s minds.

Mod: And what issue is that Mr. Torium?

ST: The number one issue is the health of our country and our economy and to create a healthier, not just economy, but a healthier country. We need to create an atmosphere for our economy and country to grow more healthy. We do that by promoting a strong and healthy society.

Mod: If you were elected president, what would be the first thing you would do to accomplish that goal? Please be as specific as you can. In detail, please explain to the audience how you will create a “healthy economy and country.”

ST: You gotta have a leader who is willing to go out and educate the American people to the problems and the solutions; out there the American people will rally and do what’s necessary to make this country great again. If you don’t do this then we won’t have done the things that are necessary for the American people to rise in society and for the society to be stable.

Mod: Sir, as that leader, please give us one concrete, specific detail as to how you will accomplish that goal. What, exactly, will you” do?

ST: We must create an environment where all people can rise. And we gotta create a culture that is consistent with the values of our country…

Mod: [interrupts] Senator, excuse me, but I asked what you would do, not what “we must” do. Please, sir, I beg you, give the audience at least one tangible definite thing or action that you will do.

ST: I will create an economic vision for America that doesn’t go back, but goes forward. We must…I…will build a rich society again. We must…I…will create a culture that is nurturing and safe and secure where people can live lives…lives that will make this country that shining city on the Hill.

Mod: Thank you Senator., for your time and insight.

ST: Thank you. I also want to thank…I always have to thank…First off, let me just thank God for blessing me and my family, and you folks here in the auditorium tonight, and the folks listening on their radios in their cars or at home, and the folks watching on TV, and the folks who’ll read about… [Cut off]

 

♦ — ♦ — ♦

 

Dr. Tad Pawl considers putting the dollar back on a gold standard.

Tad Pawl pontificating on the beauty of a gold backed dollar. Said, Tad, "Dingy green paper out. Yellow shiny metal in."

 

Mod: Our Fourth and Final Candidate Is Texas Representative Tad Pawl. Good Evening Mr. Congressman.

TP: Good evening and thank you, thank you very much. Over there [points] I really don’t have to introduce my wife…my wife Carol…I think you know my wife Carol. Where are you Carol? [Shields eyes with hand, looks around] Oh! There she is. And we have a few other members of the family here. We have…

Mod: Excuse me Mr. Pawl but we really should move along here.

TP: Okay, but It really is a delight to be here tonight. I…

Mod: Congressman, what are your views on the state of our economy? Tell us sir, in your opinion what is wrong with it, specifically give us the problem and then your exact action you would take to fix it. Please be precise

TP: In studying monetary history from the beginning of our country, and even throughout all of history, monetary policy on periodic occasions will come–become the dominant issue. And I have emphasized that, and it has become an important issue…

Mod: And what, Sir, is that issue exactly?

TP: The issue…the issue is there is a financial crisis going on. And it’s only sound money and personal liberty that can solve the crisis that we have today. When government takes over the role of making us virtuous and making us excellent and redistributing the wealth, they only do it at the expense of liberty and that’s why we are in such terrible shape today.

Mod: [Yawns] You haven’t exactly hit the nail on the head. Please elaborate.

TP: Sometimes there are conservatives that want deficit financing, and sometimes there are Liberals who want deficit, so this is what we have to do: We have to have a sound economy, a sound dollar, and we have to treat people decently, have a policy that makes common sense, treat people like we want to be treated then maybe they will want to emulate us…

Mod: Whoa! We are just about out of time. Thank you Mr. Congressman for your enlightenment and…

TP: We’re…we’re well on our way. We’re well…we’re well on our way. There’s revolution going on in this country and we’ve been dealing with this and encouraging it…

Mod: [gives cut-throat sign to control booth]

[silence]

[blessed silence]

 

By John Nichols (aka J.W.)

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