Churchill’s Dirty Little Secret

 

As the premiere Famous Duck historian in the seven occupied galaxies of the Klaxarian Dynasty, you wouldn’t believe all the flack I take.  Mostly, it comes from the families and descendants of those I’ve exposed as undeserving frauds. As you might expect, they’d prefer I refrain from telling history the way it actually occurred. Instead, they’d like me to continue to promote the popular fictions, which conveniently put humans on top. In fact, some have been so upset by my treatment of their loved ones I started receiving threats they’d turn me into a newt. If that happens, you now know why and who to blame.

 

In the meantime, for our one and only faithful reader, plus the three or four others who have accidentally stumbled across this page, I shall lower my head, charge into the fray, and battle on to victory. No doubt you’re now asking where and how I developed such a strong sense of courage, duty, and character. Let me just tell you: My example was Winston Churchill and no I don’t mean the human.

 

One of histories greatest, Winston Churchill, might never won the war without his favorite sidekick.

The poor Mr. Churchill suffered mightily when he was out of the public eye. Thank goodness Flipperdee was there to offer his support. This classic pose minus the “green around the gills color” was first captured in a 1941 photo by Yousuf Karsh

The human, Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill, will always be remembered for his steadfast defense of liberty in the face of Nazi aggression during World War II. Yet were it not for his pet duck and favorite sidekick “Winston “Flipperdee” Churchill”, England and the war would undoubtedly be lost.

 

In his private moments (and this is where yours truly has the exclusive inside scoop) the human Winston was plagued by bouts of uncertainty and depression. These bouts left Mr. Churchill a quivering, sniveling, stammering, stuttering, shaking puddle of goo. For reasons we may never fully understand, it was only by stoking Flipperdee’s extraordinarily soft feathers that Mr. Churchill rediscovered his “inner happy place.” Of course, in the larger scheme, Flipperdee’s extraordinary penchant to turn a poorly penned phrase into something vastly more quotable didn’t exactly hurt Mr. Churchill’s cause.

 

Lest you think Flipperdee’s writing abilities insignificant or unimportant to the course of events which unfolded, I ask you to stretch that old noggin of yours and consider how some of the most famous humans might look to us now if they never uttered that one or maybe dozen quotable lines that standout as the “wisdom of the ages.”

 

As we learned in previous exposes on Gandhi, Lincoln and a host of others, were it not for the role of ducks in their lives, these men might already be relegated to a sub-section of a sub-paragraph of a footnote in history. Still doubt me? Then check out the original human Winston Churchill’s phrases below and their carefully edited Flipperdee counterparts—proof yet again humans always get credit even when no credit is due.

 

Winston Churchill's favorite speech writer.

Flipperdee was truly a duck of amazing talents, including his ability to write by holding a pencil in his bill.

Human Churchill: Never in the history of the Byzantine shopping district was a gaggle of wives as thankful as when their husbands relied on the advice of a single prostitute and showered their woman with gifts and affection.

Flipperdee: Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.

 

Human Churchill: Someone’s bound to be right sometimes, but no one knows when that time will be or if he’ll mistake his tie for a napkin.

Flipperdee: The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.

 

Human Churchill: He was an ass, his wife was an ass, his son was an ass, his pooch was an ass. Heck, even his favorite Aunt Mildred was an ass. As far as that goes, they were a multi-generational clan of asses. Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass!

Flipperdee: He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

 

Human Churchill: A quarter of two fibs is half one lie, lest in cutting by four the truth we score.

Flipperdee: There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.

 

 

Human Churchill: You can dress up a lie, but you can’t take it with you. There’s no need. Once dressed, it’ll slip from your grasp faster than you can say, “Flipperdee’s fantastic feathers frustrate flamingos fanning flames.”

Flipperdee: A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

 

Human Churchill: Once in a blue moon, or maybe some of the time or at least every so often, it’s hardly ever a good idea to drive straight on through an intersection when a line of Hitler’s tanks stands in your way. Oh, sure, you might get lucky and zip on through at precisely the right moment, but more likely you’ll learn the fine art of turning flesh and bone into sauerkraut.

Flipperdee: Never give in—never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.

 

A Famous Ducks Of History portrait of Winston Churchill.

In his latter years, Flipperdee volunteered to undergo a series of plastic surgeries in the hope the technique would be useful to those who suffered injuries during the war. You can see the remarkable results of this experimentation above.

 

Human Churchill: A chicken that forgets to cross the road will repeat his mistake anywhere from a half dozen to a baker’s dozen times before laying an egg in his own nest. That is, unless he forgets he has forgotten the entire episode from the get-go.

Flipperdee: A nation that forgets its past is doomed to repeat it.

 

Human Churchill: I like hamsters, beavers, potato bugs and those polka dot lady bugs, too. I despise rats and other vermin that swim in sewers and then show up at a dinner party in stretchy pink tights and do that little neiner-neiner dance just to stick it to the man. Oh, and people are okay if they take a bath twice a year.

Flipperdee: I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

 

Human Churchill: Nothing is quite so tiring as listening to the Brother’s Karamazov drone on about War In Peace on the deck of Captain Ahab’s yacht.

Flipperdee: This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.

 

No doubt Winston would laugh himself silly latter in private.

Winston’s “V” for victory sign actually came about as the result of an inside joke. It was really meant as a signal to take cover. The give away? Note the “upside-down” V shape to Flipperdee’s hind quarters as he dives for cover.

Human Churchill: Dying bites the big one. You’re dead. That’it. Nada. Zip. Who wants that?

Flipperdee: Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.

 

Human Churchill: To stumble over truth is divine, if and only if one can avoid a face plant in the inevitable pile of crap surrounding it.

Flipperdee: Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

 

Human Churchill: I feel like such a loser. LOSER! Whee! Loser! I’ve lost again. Yippee!

Flipperdee: Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

 

Human Churchill: I have nothing to give but this sandwich…well, really just this bite of sandwich, since it appears I’ve already gobbled up the rest. No, don’t make me clean up the dishes. Sheesh, this is hard work. Ouch, you jabbed me with your stupid knife. I’m bleeding! Call the doctor! Boo hoo hoo! Waaaaaah!

Flipperdee: I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat.

 

Human Churchill: What in God’s name are they doing?

Flipperdee: I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.

 

Human Churchill: Oh, give me a frickin’ break! Will this war never cease?

Flipperdee: We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

 

And as your Famous Duck Historian, this last one’s right up my alley:

Human Churchill: History is like looking at a Picasso. It can mean anything or nothing depending on the particular angle it’s viewed.

Flipperdee: History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

 

And there you have it: Yet another lesson in Famous Duck history. Stay tuned!

 

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