A Gleam In Dad’s Eye

The following is an editorial…

The world is a silly place.

Those Arizona lawmakers have a lot of gall. I should know.


I thank my lucky stars I don’t live in Arizona. Recently, Arizona became one of those “special” places where science and reality no longer apply to everyday living. Why? Because in Arizona the law of the land now makes a women pregnant for up to two weeks prior to conception. Say what?!


You have to be careful what you do in Arizona. You might be single or married and be mindlessly walking down the street when KABLOOOOOIE! Suddenly you’re pregnant and you haven’t even had sex yet. Kind of takes the fun out of life when you stop to think about it. I mean, it’s entirely possible you’re still a virgin and you’re technically a Daddy or Mommy-To-Be because two weeks from now you’ll hook up with that special someone and actually conceive. Talk about a miracle!


I can’t even begin to fathom lawmaking like this, but I’ve got to hand it to those folks in Arizona. It’s as if they’ve rewritten the laws of physics and tossed out every last thread of common sense. And who knows what they’ll come up with next?


For example, why not start with the criminal code? If you’ve ever seen someone getting tipsy at a party, isn’t it likely that sooner or later they’ll be out driving after downing too many drinks? Why not arrest them before that happens? I mean, why wait for an event, which if it ever happens is only going to be tragic? We could write a new law instead. One that says if a person has an addictive personality (defined however we deem appropriate) and they are caught so much as looking at alcohol they will be automatically imprisoned for 3 years, have their driver’s license permanently revoked, and must attend a 28 day alcohol recovery program. Think of all the lives we’ll save!


Worried about guns and violence? Here’s an idea. We can install metal detectors at every street corner and force anyone who looks the least bit suspicious to go through them like sheep going to slaughter. Anyone caught with a gun in their possession is bound to a potential murderer (or even worse a terrorist) so why not identify them before it happens and lock them up for good? The murder rate will fall to zero faster than you can say, “I was conceived the moment Daddy had that gleam in his eye!”


Too harsh? Okay, let’s stick to matters of the body. Since it’s now possible to make people pregnant before they’ve had sex, let’s also give them cancer as soon as we know they are genetically predisposed to it. In fact, since we know it’s only a matter of time until they end up dying from the disease, why not officially call them dead from the get-go? That way we can halt all insurance payments as well as Social Security and Medicare benefits immediately. We’ll save the insurance companies and government a heap of money. Heck, that’s bound to lower the taxes and insurance premiums for the rest of us, create jobs, and jumpstart the economy!


Boy, those Arizona lawmakers may be onto something. When we can start writing laws that defy both time and reality, why wait to make anything happen? Seriously, what’s the point of continuing to support those we consider “leeches of society”? Don’t we know they’re never going change for as long as they live? Thus, can’t we define them unworthy of public assistance, just skip that whole government safety net thing, and make them all deader than a door nail through an act of Congress? Think of it: With the stroke of a pen we hold the power to make all drug addicts, criminals, homeless people, the insane, those chronically ill, illegal immigrants and anyone who pierces their eyebrows or wears droopy clothing zombies. That ought to teach ‘em!


Those who created the new law in Arizona will tell you it’s about protecting unborn children. By moving the date when life begins back to a point before it actually occurs they essentially reduce the period of time woman can decide to seek an abortion. This type of reasoning and governing is extremely dangerous. One can argue the validity or morality of abortion all they want, but when we allow our lawmakers to base new law on magical thinking—that is to ignore the way the world actually works—we need to consider where it’s going to stop. As silly or ridiculous as the examples above may turn out to be, it’s worth asking what’s to keep those who support this type of lawmaking from pursuing other solutions equally absurd—especially now that a precedent’s been established. The answer, of course, is nothing, and that’s what we should all be afraid of.


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