Long Live The United Kingdom of America!


We might as well vote for Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

It was a close race. Both candidates spent billions, but it looks like Tweedledee is out and Tweedledum is in.

In case you hadn’t realized it yet (or couldn’t care less) we had an election awhile ago and got stuck with more goofballs in Congress than we have days in a year. We also re-elected the president, which makes him a lame duck out of the gate. And since the election things have steadily gone from bad to worse. The tea party won’t talk to the President, no one will compromise, and we still have to pay our “leaders” an outrageous fortune for the privilege of dragging us into the dust bin of history. Now that everyone on the planet knows our system of government is kaput perhaps it’s high time we changed things up. I mean, does anyone still believe the next group of politicians we elect to office will be any better than the last? Anyone? Anyone at all? I thought not. Hey, we’ve had a good run, but maybe it’s time we scrapped the whole democracy experiment and replace it with a good old fashioned monarchy. That’s right I’m talking the United Kingdom of America. Just think of all the benefits!


Our politicians are bought and paid for.

Son, it’ll take some serious money to make that happen, but I can help.

When you think about it a new monarchy will be so much better. First, we won’t need to hold elections anymore so right there we’ll save gazillions. Plus we can get rid of all those obnoxious political advertisements—you know the ones where the music swells, the narrator drones on and on how the other guy is going to destroy our country, and the candidate utters a line or two like, “I’m proud to be ‘Merican.”


Take a moment and think how our government really works. As it stands it’s all about money. Our Congress is bought and paid for by those who fill their re-election coffers. Democracy? Maybe for the few and in spite of the many. All our “Unrepresentatives” do now is bicker and argue about who rustles up the most pork for those who already have us over the barrel. I say it’s high time we give of them all a shovel and send ’em packing to the pig farm. Having a monarch will be so much nicer when we need to get things accomplished. The king (or queen) will say, “Send so and so a pound of bacon,” and that’ll be the end of it.


The princess takes a bath.

What will the princess wear to the Superbowl ball? I can hardly wait to find out.

Let’s take a poll. I bet if you ask them, most Americans would much rather read about their king, queen, princes, and princesses and what goes on in court, rather than some Congressman, Senator, or the pesky economic and political issues they refuse to take care of. If you doubt it, then ask why we currently pay so much attention to those Hollywood gossip shows on TV or the magazines at the grocery store checkout line. We need escape! This is why the new monarchy will be so great. Now, we’ll be able to focus on the really important stuff like, which Prince is out of favor with the queen, or what the Princess plans to wear at this year’s Superbowl Ball. Our new leader will take care of the rest.


Who sat on the King's throne?

Did we mention manners are bound to improve?

And won’t it be great as we introduce the concept of “Knighthood” to our beloved kingdom? I mean who wouldn’t want to be a knight or called, “Sir!”? Oh, that’s right, we can’t exactly go around calling the ladies knights and sirs, now can we? Hmm, I suppose we’ll need a female equivalent—something on the order of kdays!  Hey, lighten up, I can think of several woman who would look marvelous in kday armor. Just imagine the possibilities!


This monarchy scenario gets even better when we start talking about castles. Imagine the boon to the construction and swimming pool trades. Everyone who is anyone is now going to need a new castle. We sure as heck have to protect ourselves from all those long knights and short kdays, right? Plus the pool guys are going to love installing all those moats, and we’ll need some new breeders to fill ‘em up with alligators. In fact, I’d wager a cup of the finest U.K of A. ale the moat and castle building business is bound to create millions of new jobs. Not only will we need laborers and designers for building all that stuff, but then we’ll need some specialists for maintaining it. Unemployment solved!


The construction industry will boom.

We’re going to need a lot of help with all the new castles. One new job: Drafters Everyone knows castles are drafty so these folks will know how to snuff ’em out.


As we continue to mull it, there are other benefits as well. For example, we can blow a hole in the issue of prison overpopulation within a matter of weeks. Don’t believe it? Then ask why we should continue to house the current population of criminals (which runs into the millions) at the expense of the royal family when we can cut off their heads instead? And if you’re an attorney worried about your job, you can rest easy. It’s not like we have to do away with the whole criminal justice system. We can still have trials, and attorneys can still make pleas on behalf their clients, it’s just the pleas will now be for a criminal’s life, not whether he can spend a few less months or years in the palace dungeon. Crime will plummet! I don’t know about you, but I feel safer already.



National debt got you down? Why worry when we can wipe it out as soon as we print the new U.K. of A. currency. Now, those old greenbacks will be truly be worthless along with all those bonds owed to foreign lands. Not only will we be debt free, but since the only people who have any cash right now are the drug lords we can take drugs off the street. Just think: No more debt and no junkies!


Running A Kingdom For Dummies. It's a good read.

There’s no doubt running a kingdom will be a difficult task, but I’m sure our new ruler will study up.

Still a skeptic? Are you worried who your new king or queen will be? Fear not! I’ve designed a full proof method for selecting our new fearless leader. Hey, I’ve put some serious thought in this so listen up. Since it seems clear to me a good portion of the public will think they should have a hand in selecting their new ruler (old habits die hard), we’ll hold one last election. However, this one will be different. The problem is we can’t let any Tom, Dick or “Rich Guy” win just because they have lots of money or political connections. That wouldn’t be fair! Thus, we’ll set it up as follows:


First, we let anyone and everyone who wants to be king or queen fill out an application to enter the race.


Second, we round up all those who submitted an application and chop off their heads. We sure as heck don’t want all those power hungry folks as leaders, right?


After these messages we'll return to our show.

Who’ll need to watch soap operas when we can watch the queen in action?

Third, we’ll hold a national lottery and select six women and six men finalists. We’ll then haul the finalists off to a deserted island somewhere in the Pacific and have them compete for the throne. After each competition the winner will be granted immunity and one of the others will be voted off by the group. In the end, we all get to vote for one of the last two surviving finalists. The winner shall be king or queen for life. Yes, I know this sounds similar to that show “Survivor”, but there will be a couple important differences.


First, some of the competitions won’t involve physical challenges. Instead, contestants will have to demonstrate basic skills like math and reading. Hopefully, this will prevent our next leader from trying to sell us on more 2 + 2 = 5 trickledown economics.


And second, instead of voting off a loser who gets nothing; the runner-ups will be guaranteed a spot in the royal line of succession and be granted the title of Duke, Baron, Duchess or Baroness. You’ve got to think this through: The new king or queen could still be terrible so we’ll need to set up several people with the title and authority to challenge the throne if and when things truly get bad.


Okay, I’m willing to admit this solution might not be perfect, but let me just ask this: When was the last time you were really voting for the best possible candidate we could put forward as a nation instead of voting for the lesser of two evils? I rest my case. Long live the United Kingdom of America!


Oh, excuse me, I’ve got someone at my door. I better check to see who it is.


“FBI. Are you Bob Anderson?”


“You’ll have to come with us.”

“But why?”

“You’ve been invited to a lovely seaside resort at Guantanamo.”

“I didn’t think the FBI was in the tourist business.”

“We’re not. You’re being charged with conspiracy to overthrow the government.”

“No, wait! It was all in fun. It was supposed to be a joke! Wait! Stop! Let go of me! Now, you see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I’m being repressed!”

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