The First Presidential Debate By Yours Truly



A humorous take on the presidential debates.

Here’s how it looked from the peanut gallery.


Why watch an hour and a half drawn out Presidential debate on television when you can get the gist of it here in two minutes and have so much more fun? Let’s just say it was a heck of a night in Denver. The candidates proudly marched to their podiums like peacocks displaying a new set of plumage. They smiled graciously at each other and acknowledged the crowd, but then the gloves came off. Here’s our exclusive summary of the almost actual, not quite spoken words, as we kinda sorta thought we might have heard ‘em…


Moderator: Welcome to this Presidential debate. The audience has been instructed to shut up and refrain from clapping or making any noise whatsoever. It was necessary to hog tie and gag ‘em to insure their behavior wouldn’t interfere with your ability to think for yourself and decide which of the two candidates should be our next president. Now, without further ado, Mr. Romney can you tell us something about you, or specifically where you stand on the issues?


Romney: Sure, I like what I say about the specific issues because I like the sound of my voice. I only wish I could look in the mirror as I’m talking about them more often because I look sooooo good. And by the way, even if I say something specific tonight that I’ve never said before, you shouldn’t hold it against me because I have perfect hair. Oh, and perfect teeth, too. Thank you.


Moderator: And you Mr. President. How would you respond?


Obama: That’s not…he couldn’t…but I…oh, fudge.


Romney: Let me just add, I say what I mean in the moment, which only makes it all that much more meaningful as you hear it. Thus, I want you to listen carefully whenever I speak so I don’t have to repeat myself. Oh, and did I mention the president is cutting 700 billion from Medicaid?


Obama: I am not. That’s not the way the math works. Besides, Mr. Romney is proposing to cut trillions in taxes and add trillions more for defense. It’s seven trillion altogether to be exact.


Romney: I am not.


Obama: Are too.


Romney: Not!


Obama: Too!


Romney: Liar, liar pants on fire!


Obama: I’m not lying. That’s been your plan for months! Are you suddenly changing it? You can’t change your plan in the middle of the debate. It’s not fair if you won’t stick to the limited details you refuse to provide the American people in the first place and then expect me to refute them.


Romney: Sure it’s fair. It’s a matter of the principle of not being too specific like Reagan. Tough nuggies to you!


Moderator: Let’s just agree we don’t agree here, shall we?


Romney: Okay, but first I want to comment. I don’t like where this country’s heading. I believe in Mom, apple pie and not raising taxes for the rich, and the President doesn’t.


Obama: Hey, if he gets to comment again so do I. How the heck is Mr. Romney going to lower taxes if he eliminates deductions and raises money for defense without adding new revenue. It ain’t gonna work. We tried that before. Remember Bush?


Romney: Bush who? And do see the way he thinks? It’s all tax, tax, tax.


Obama: No, it isn’t. It’s about everyone paying their fair share.


Romney: Like I said, tax, tax, tax, and he’s adding 700 billion to Medicaid.


Obama: Are we going back there again? Really? The health reform act…


Romney: You mean Obamacare.


Obama: Yeah, I like that name by the way. It’s catchy. Anyway, Obamacare will cut overall medical costs for everyone. It’s already reduced annual premium increases more than at any time since they invented the hula hoop.


Romney: Yeah, well, I like the hula hoop, but I’ll appeal Obamacare as my first act in office.


Obama: But why? It’s based on Romneycare—the very thing you enacted in Massachusetts.


Romney: No, sorry. Mine plan was better. It’s a state versus federal thing. When you’re a governor like I was it’s okay to reach across the aisle and work with the opposition like I did, but you didn’t do that in Congress, though I would, unless the democrats didn’t want to, which is their fault. Actually, it’s always their fault, unless it’s yours, which it most definitely is.


Obama: Hey, I worked with the opposition, at least when they’re weren’t acting all pig-headed or calling me names. Let’s see…they called me a really bad name back in 2008 (right before I entered office), and then promised not to work with me at all first thing in 2009. I’ve been trying to work with them ever since.


Romney: Yes, and where did that get you? Not a single republican voted for your plan and you cut 700 billion from Medicaid. That proves Romneycare is better!


Obama: How do you figure? I eliminated healthcare stuff we didn’t like and added other stuff…good stuff…all sorts of stuff that most people wanted. That’s about as good as you can get as far as stuff goes.


Romney: And you cut 700 billion from Medicaid!


Obama: Is this over yet? It’s not the way I planned to spend my anniversary. Hi, Michelle. I love you, Sweetie!


Romney: Tough nuggies, but congratulations on your anniversary.


Moderator: Okay it’s time to sum up. We missed a segment because you two yahoos wouldn’t shut up and went over the limit. That’s your loss, not mine, and now you only have a minute and a half because each of you were talking way, way, way, way too much. That took up a lot of time, you know? Even more than you probably realized. So I warn you: Do not go over the limit again, because if you do then you’ll have even less time left than you have right now. Are we clear here? Can you stay within the remaining time limit? Good. Let’s see now which of you gets this first? Oh, yeah, we flipped a coin to decide beforehand. Just remember, you only have a minute and a half. Mr. President, you go first.


Obama: I…uh…let’s see, I know I had this memorized so it would sound really good…I…uh…there’s this…uh…person…woman…oh, somebody in Kalamazoo or someplace else I met the other day. She came up to me and said, “Thanks for the swell job you’ve been doing, Mr. President.” Wow, I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. So I just hope you vote for me again. Look, we’ve made progress and nobody’s worked harder. I’ll keep working just as hard or even harder next time and we’ll make even more progress. It’s bound to happen. On the other hand, Mr. Romney will wreck everything if he’s elected so please, please, please don’t go there.


Moderator: Thank you, Mr. President. Mr. Romney?


Romney: I’m rich. I have beautiful hair, great teeth and a snappy red tie. Vote for me and the world will look bright, shiny and new. I’ll wave my magic wand and create 12 million new jobs. I’ll never raise taxes in the process and still spend billions more on defense just because I like tanks and missiles we don’t need and can’t afford. A vote for me is as good as repealing Obamacare, because healthcare is something states should take care of even though they’re too strapped to care of it, have never taken care of it before (except when I was governor), and have been laying off people in droves. Don’t you get it? Life will be so much better if you only vote for me! And besides, four more years of Obama is bound to wreck everything so please, please, please don’t go there.


Moderator: And that wraps it up. Tune in again for more blah, blah, blah from the candidates in our next Presidential Debate. Thank you and good evening.

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