The Vice Presidential Debate By Yours Truly



The Vice Presidential Debates

Here’s the way we saw it. Better hold onto your hats.


It was a debate like no other in history. In one corner sat the undisputed king of “I can’t keep a secret,” Vice-President Joe Biden. In the other, his wascally and tweachewous opponent, the “Let’s pull out the fine china and set the table for my tea party,” Congressman Paul Ryan. Who can lay claim to ultimate victory? Was there a gaffe? Did anyone who’s actually going to vote tune in? Does it matter? Fear not if you missed out. Today we bring you our lowfalutin version, which is guaranteed to be at least as highfalutin as anything else you may stumble across. So I bet you were hoping you’d already heard the last of it, right? Not on your life. Better thank your lucky stars we were there!


Now, here’s down and dirty on how the down and dirty went down:


Moderator: I don’t want any hitting below the belt because it ain’t lady like and I’m a lady. Now, you two bump fists and wiggle your butts so we can be sure you’re not packing. I want each of you to play fair.  Are we clear? Right. Let’s start with you, Mr. Vice President. I want to begin with Libya. My question is why?


VP: Yes, excellent question. And the answer is it’s still under investigation.


Moderator: And Mr. Ryan, what’s your response?


Mr. Ryan: We’d have done it much better and they didn’t have marines. Can you believe it? No marines!


VP: Hah! Got you there. You voted against our request for more marines! It’s your fault.


Mr. Ryan: Exactly and you didn’t deploy them, either.


VP: How can we deploy want we don’t have? Am I missing something? And how responsible is it Mr. Romney came out and blamed us the day it happened? That ambassador was shot, for Pete’s sake. How about a little respect?


Mr. Ryan: We can’t respect what we don’t respect, which is you, and that’s actually more respectful than you realize. Now, if we’d been in charge there would have been marines. You should of thought of that! I know I just did.


VP: We thought about all the stuff the experts told us to think about. It’s hard to think about more than that. Plus, after the experts were proven wrong and had way more expertise on the subject than they had before, we thought about that too. And after that when they were wrong yet again, we told you all about it. You can’t get more expert wrongness than that. What we didn’t do was hold a press conference before the facts could come to light like your boss did. Believe me, he’s no expert.


Mr. Ryan: Yeah, so. You didn’t have marines and you shoulda known you’d need ‘em cause Libya’s in Northern Africa and you got Al Qaeda running rampant all over the place.


Moderator: I think we’ve heard enough of that. Let’s switch topics. Mr. Ryan, I think we’re all dying to know why your hair grows like that—you know with the funny little inverted triangle. You look like that actor who played Eddie Munster all grown up. You’re not a vampire, are you?


Mr. Ryan: I wish! No, I get that all the time, but I can’t say why it does that. I guess when you’re as young and hairy as I am you just have to be thankful you’re not old and bald, like Joe, here. Nice Botox job, by the way.


Moderator: Vice-President Biden, I want…


VP: Call me Joe.


Moderator: Sure. So Joe, what’s your response to your challenger over here?


VP: He makes me smile so it’s really good I like to smile. I thank my lucky stars for my big pearly white choppers. I especially like to show them off when Pipsqueak over there is talking, because I can’t believe the stuff that comes out of his mouth. Is he even old enough to be in this race?


Moderator: That brings up an interesting point Mr. Ryan, but I’m sure I’ll forget it before I can mention it so I’ll ask this question instead: Why do you want to scrap Medicare?


Mr. Ryan: We won’t scrap Medicare. We’ll rebuild the system by blowing it to smithereens first. In fact, we’ve got a five point plan for doing just that. One, we buy dynamite. Two, we chug energy drinks. Three, we light a fuse. Four, we run away. Five, the whole thing goes up in a huge ball of flame. Anything that’s still standing when we’re done can stay. Otherwise, the rest will be recycled. See, that proves were green and we’ll build a stronger America.


Moderator: Joe?


VP: The only green my opponents care about is the money in their bank accounts, not that anyone can figure where all those accounts are. No, my opponents would take away a cherished tradition of helping those in the middle and replace it with the cherished tradition of failing to bail out the car companies. That’s just wrong.


Moderator: I think you’re straying off point, Joe. We were talking about Medicare.


VP: Exactly. And we should continue talking about it until we get the facts straight. And here are the facts: We aren’t ruining it. Let me repeat. We aren’t ruining it. On the other hand, they will. They say if you’re 54 years old now then you’re not old enough to understand what they’re planning to do. Let me just tell what they’re planning: Instead of medicare you’ll get a voucher. But a voucher system will cost more than what we got right now so it stinks. So there! Oh, and by the way, they believe in top down and we believe in building from the middle up.


Mr. Ryan: It’s not a voucher. They keep calling it a voucher, but it’s not a voucher. It’s a ticket to a bright, shiny new future from sea to shining sea. We’ll reduce tax rates for everybody, especially the rich, we won’t cut defense spending because we believe in peace through strength and may have to blow up Iran, and we’ll save social security and Medicare with our plan to make it less than it was for everybody who grew up and died before us. Oh, and we don’t believe in top down. What we do believe in is topping off the American dream.


VP: My friend over here is full of stuff.


Moderator: What’s that mean?


Mr. Ryan: It’s something the Irish say, you know, like Lucky Charms are magically delicious. I really like the pink hearts, by the way.


Moderator: I see. So let’s talk about Iran for a minute. Joe, what’s up with it anyway.


VP: They don’t have the bomb. The idea they have fissile material is immaterial. Plus, even if it was material they won’t get the bomb because you can’t just order one up on Amazon.


Mr. Ryan: But BB held up a sign in New York and Obama wouldn’t talk to him because he’d rather be on a talk show. The proof is in the pudding. We got until next March and then they got the bomb.


VP: I haven’t had any pudding and they don’t have the bomb. I talk to BB all the time. Obama talks to BB all the time. Nobody is closer to BB than we are even though he hightailed it back to Israel.


Mr. Ryan: Bombs away in March, that’s all I can say. You shoulda done something and you didn’t do anything and then you gave Russia veto power.


VP: Nah uh! We didn’t give Russia nuttin’ and we did stuff you don’t even know about. Top secret stuff. It’s so secret they didn’t tell me what it was so I can’t blab it before the President can.


Moderator: The clock is ticking. Let’s move on to abortion and the fact you’re both Catholic. Say something personal about yourselves. Mr. Ryan?


Mr. Ryan: My wife and I like Beanie Babies so much we named our daughter Beanie while she was still in the womb. Oh, and the Catholic Church is suing the Obama administration.


VP: I grew up Catholic and am Catholic and believe in all kinds of Catholic stuff even with it disagrees with the Catholics. Oh, and even though I would never abort because I’m Catholic, people can make up their own minds and shouldn’t be told what to do when it comes to Beanie Babies.


Moderator: That about wraps it up. Each of you has two minutes so say something and then my 15 minutes of fame are over. Joe?


VP: The fact is we inherited a God-awful mess. They say 47% of the people are takers. They’re talking about my Mom and Pop. You don’t talk about my folks that way. But here’s the thing. We’re on track and it’s going to be okay. It’s going to okay. That’s what this is all about.


Mr. Ryan. We face a big choice. It’s a really big choice. It’s a huge God-awful choice. What kind of country are we going be? Will it be us or some other guy? Obama had his chance and blew it. We want a chance now. Give us one little lousy chance, would you? Is that so much to ask? We only need a chance, and then stuff is bound to happen. You can count on it happening. Really, you can.


Moderator: Thank you gentlemen, and thank all of you for tuning it to more blah, blah, blah from the candidates. Tune in to even more blah, blah, blah next Tuesday for the second presidential debate. That’s all for now. ‘Til next time.

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