Talking Points: Following The Party Line

The pundits all rely on talking points.If you watched the presidential debate  last week you probably got hit by all the prattle at the end over who won. The media loves events like these because they get to play the role of “objective” observer and impart their subjective know-it-all wisdom on the rest of us. To do this they turn to various blowhards (aka party officials) from both sides of the aisle to get the party line. They might as will be talking to robots as they all say the same thing. It’s no accident, either. They’ve been handed a set of talking points from the party’s muckity mucks. Thus, to save time (not to mention the endless suffering that comes from listening to these yahoos blather on) we’ll give you our version so you can skip watching the rest. Better hang on tight!


The Republocrusts Talking Points


The Republican's Robot spouts off with the party's talking points.Instructions For Talking To The Media: No matter how poorly the Gubinator does in tonight’s debate we have the Central and Southern states locked up. Now, as we try to reach out to voters in more liberal states we must disavow all past conservative statements and make the Gubinator appear moderate. Also, the last thing we need is some nimrod coming up with a specific claim that will only come back and bite us in the butt. Need we tell you to please stick to the following talking points?


Point 1: The Gubinator performed like he was rubber. Everything the Preznet said bounced off the Gubinator and stuck to the Preznet like glue. The Gubinator obviously didn’t need any facts to prove he’s the better debater. Heck, even before he uttered a word, he’d already won on hair, suit and the way he nodded to the Mrs.


Point 2: The Prezdent looked empty and disheartened. He was pathetically weak and ineffectual. It’s clear he was sick and tired of getting’ his whoop-de-ass whoop-de-whooped.


Point 3: How can you possibly say the Gubinator choked? He did everything he had to do, which frankly wasn’t much, especially since the Prezdent couldn’t even do half the stuff he said he could do in the last four years. No, the Gubinator hit the ball out of the park and at least half way to the White House before he was tossed out at third.


Point 4: The Preznet’s proven again and again he’s fresh out of ideas that were stale to begin with. All we heard was the same old, same old. What the Gubinator offered were fresh ideas he pulled out of the dust bin of history. Heck, they were so old they were brand spanking new again and definitely fresh.


Point 5: The Gubinator was electric. He not only re-energized the base, he re-energized the energizer bunny and shocked the audience out of their collective stupor. Yes, sir, the Gubinator earned a new nickname. After tonight they’ll call him Sparky.


The Democrackups Talking Points


The Democratic Robot spouts off with the party's official talking points.Instructions For Talking To The Media: People, stick to the script! No matter how poorly the Preznet does tonight we have the Northeast and West Coast locked up. What we need is to appeal to all those in the Central and Southern states. For that reason, you must speak slowly and display a keen sense of Southern hospitality as you engage the media. Now, go and support your Preznet! Oh, and if anybody sees the Vice President talking to the media after the debate, gag him!


Point 1: The Preznet kicked the Gubinator’s fanny because the Gubinator changed every position he’s ever held. There’s just no debatin’ the fact you can’t debate someone who refuses to debate to begin with. All the Gubinator proved was you can’t pin him down. Now, there’s no debate that‘s good if you’re wrestlin’, but highly debatable as a debate tactic and I’m not going to stand here and argue about it.


Point 2: The Gubinator proved he’s one slippery chameleon. One minute he’s spouting off like the “Old Faithful” Tea Party’s tea spout and the next he’s as radical red, white, and blue as any left-leaning “Leaning Tower of Pisa” Democrackup. I say somebody’s rubbed him down with Texas crude. You can’t get a grip on anything he says, or on anything he says he never says, even if he’s said it a dozen times to the people he says stuff to all the time, and some waiter recorded it all for Y’allTube.


Point 3: The Gubinator’s like a retreaded tire gone bad. We’ve been down this road before and already suffered at least one major blow out. Though it was four years ago, doesn’t anyone remember what happened four years ago? I tell you what happened: This country was an inch from fallin’ in the compost heap. That’s what happened! What we don’t need now any more than we needed it back then is to go back and clean up that mess by cleaning it with the same non-cleaning formula we used in the first place. That’s just going backward.


Point 4: The Preznet’s worked long and hard for the American people and for others who aren’t even as American as the American people. He’s proven he’s a hard worker. Why, I know for a fact that after the debate, he jumped on Air Force One and went right back to work. Believe me, you can’t ask any more from your Preznet than that. So riddle me this: Knowing how hard the Preznet works, why would anyone vote for a man who’s got so much money he no longer needs to work? No, we hardly need a retired, out of work, vacationer in the White House. That just wouldn’t work!


Point 5: If the Preznet appeared to lose tonight, it was part of his grand losing strategy. You need to look at the big picture, which is so big it’s hard to look at up close and in person. If you come out looking weak at first you give your competition a false sense of confidence they can whoop your ass because you’re weak. I say, just wait a week and then we’ll see who’s really weak and it won’t be the weakest link.


The Debate Rages On


There, now, don’t you feel better reading it here instead of watching in on TV? Of course, you do. And to stay really misinformed be sure to catch our after-the-fact-nearly-next day-coverage of the next presidential debate. Until then, stay tuned.


To get all the best debate coverage, be sure to check out:

The Presidential Debate By Yours Truly

The Vice Presidential Debate By Yours Truly

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