The Second Presidential Debate By Yours Truly



The second presidential "town hall" debate.

Believe me, from the under the peanut gallery it got ugly.


Some would call last night’s debate presidential politics in the making. Others might classify it as two flamingo dancers strutting their stuff cheek to cheek. While pundits will be pundits and call it one way or another, we say that until you look past the facts at all the confusion, and then try to confuse the facts some more, there’s just no telling who came in second. Or is there? Better read on to get your late-is-better-than-never-this-is-what-it-looked-like-from-under-the-peanut-gallery version by yours truly.


Moderator: This debate will follow the town brawl format. Fighters, er, check that, debaters to your corners. Listen up, now, here’s the rules: One, I expect the audience to scream and shout for their favorites, but only if the sound is muffled by the flotation devices we attached under each chair. Two, the candidates will be asked questions by the audience. Three, no one still living has seen these questions except me. Four, I pick which questions get to see the light of day and which don’t. If you don’t like it, tough. Finally, five, all the voters in the audience are currently in uncommitted relationships with the candidates. No one knows how this is still possible, but apparently they convinced a death panel of judges it’s just not worth committing. Let’s skip to it: Governor Romney, Jeremy has the first question.


Jeremy: As a 20 year old college student, what can you say to my parents to insure them I’ll leave home when I graduate?


Romney: That’s a wonderful, marvelous, fantastic question that tickles me to no end. As the father of a whole litter of children, tell your folks I know how desperate they are to have you leave. But also assure them that I know what it takes, I know how to fix it, and if you vote me in I’ll ask someone to give you a job. I know people, you know? Oh, and did I mention as Governor of Massachusetts I implemented the best education reforms in the 29 galaxies after my democratically controlled legislature forced me into it?


Moderator: President Obama, how do you respond to Jeremy and Governor Romney?


Obama: Jeremy, it’s not just your parents, but the entire country that depends on you getting a job so don’t let us down. Believe me, we all want you out of the house. But don’t worry because I’ve got 100 points for helping out. One, we’ll create more good manufacturing jobs because you sure as heck don’t want a bad one. And 100, if it had been up to Governor Romney he would have let GM go bankrupt.


Romney: Can I answer that?


Moderator: No, you’ll get more time later.


Obama: If he gets more time I want more time.


Romney: You already had your time. Your time is up.


Obama: My time isn’t up and don’t sit there and tell me it is.


Romney: I didn’t do that.


Obama: Governor Romney that’s not true and you know it.


Romney: Nah uh!


Moderator: Moving right along, gentlemen, our next question goes to the President and is from David.


David: Gas costs over four bucks. It used to cost less. What’s up with that?


Obama: You got to remember what it was like four years ago. Gas cost twice what it did back then because Bush blew up the economy and no one except Romney could afford to go on a summer vacation. Besides, I did lots of stuff for energy, plan to do more alternative stuff, and that alternative stuff will create alternative jobs. Alternatively, you can rely on Romney’s plan which is to do everything the major oil, coal and gas companies need to keep alternatives alternative.


Romney: That just ain’t so. I like alternatives as much as the next guy as long as they’re not radically different. But here’s the deal: Energy under Obama is going nowhere fast. We need coal, oil and gas. If more of our people had gas the smell would get so bad we could drive our competition away and that would create millions more jobs right here in the good old U S of A. Oh, and let’s not forget there is less oil and gas being pumped from federal lands under Obama, and…


Obama: He’s lying! He’s lying!


Moderator: Shush! You’ll get your turn.


Romney: Yep, the President’s plan is no plan for big oil at all. We need big oil. You get me big oil and I’ll get you big jobs. I know what to do. I’ll know how to do it. I know you know I can ask someone if I can’t remember where I left my pants.


Moderator: Can you give us specifics Governor?


Romney: About my pants? Let’s see, they’re black, and the inseam is…


Moderator: No about your policies.


Romney: Sheesh, how specific does a guy have to get? I’ve already given you my 5 point plan. It’s energy, education, wave my magic wand to create 12 million jobs, blame China, and cut everyone’s taxes.


Moderator: Can’t you tell us more. That still seems pretty general.


Romney: Oh, fine. I’m going to give everyone including the rich a 20% tax cut, blame it all on China, and then pay for it by not paying for it. That’s way different than the president who’s already spent so much he’s run up huge deficits and hasn’t paid for anything.


Obama: That’s not true, Governor, and you know it. I’ve been paying ever since I won the last election. You wouldn’t believe how much I’ve paid. But as to your plan it won’t work. Look, people, it’s a simple matter of highly complicated math. If you cut 20% of revenue for everybody and add to the defense budget you got less money than you think and no money for Big Bird. Nobody wants to cut Big Bird except that guy (points at Romney).


Romney: I happen to be for the 2nd amendment so if I see Big Bird I’m as likely to shoot him between the eyes as cut him down to size. But seriously, folks, I know what to do. I can fix it, and did I mention there are 47 million people currently on food stamps—the highest number in history?


Obama: Yeah, so? Are you suggesting we don’t feed people, or were you planning to feed them Big Bird for dinner? Oh, and I like guns just as much as he does, but I wish they’d go away.


Moderator: Let’s hear Gloria’s question. This one goes to the Governor.


Gloria: Like a lot of women, I keep smacking my head up against the glass ceiling. What y’all gonna do about that?


What glass ceiling?

Believe me, when it comes to selecting the right woman for the right position I know how to do it. – M. Romney

Romney: That’s another marvelous, wonderful question that’s so wonderful and marvelous I feel truly blessed. Let’s face it, glass hurts. This is why as I looked around as the newly elected Governor of Massachusetts and saw a room full of men I demanded an entire binder of woman to choose from. Believe me, there’s nothing worse than a room full of men without a binder. Thus, my binder was overflowing with the most qualified women to handle the job.


Moderator: I’m not sure you answered Gloria’s question, Governor.


Romney: Really? Oh, right. Well, if your head hurts I suppose you could wear a helmet. They make those for women now, you know?


Moderator: Mr. President?


Obama: The Governor wants to chop Planned Parenthood and contraception. Believe me, if he takes out his ax and starts chopping then people will start running and screaming and that’ll end up bumping a lot more heads than have already been bumped to begin with. Besides, as President I’ve done stuff. I was for that bill, you know? Governor Romney wasn’t and still isn’t even though he should be.


Romney: Bill, smell. I won’t chop anything I don’t want to chop.


Obama: Will too!


Moderator: Let’s wrap this up and talk Libya.


Romney: About time. The President shoulda known what he didn’t know, and he shoulda known it before I held my press conference. Believe me, if he had I wouldn’t have put my foot in my mouth. More importantly, however, he had people that knew stuff.


Obama: How dare you talk about my people this way! The nerve!


Romney: Well…uh…you don’t have to get all mad at me. You didn’t call it terrorist soon enough. You should have. You didn’t.


Obama: I did too! I did it in the Rose Garden.


Romney: Did not.


Moderator: He did too. Last comments? Governor?


Romney: Gazillions of Brazillions are out of work. Europeans are out of work. China’s working and he hasn’t done nuttin’ for nobody. I know what to do. I know how to do it. Let me do it.


Moderator: Mr. President?


Obama: I believe the rules should apply to everybody and everybody should play by the rules. He doesn’t. That’s not fair. Vote for me.


Moderator: There you have it folks. Another in our series of Presidential debates. Tune out again for the next one so you can read it here, instead.


Reporter: (Rushing up to Romney.) How do you think you did tonight, Governor ?


Romney: There’s no question we absolutely almost won this debate by a landslide.


Reporter: And you, Mr. President, what’s your take on tonight’s events?


President Obama: The Governor knows what he says isn’t true. How can he say he almost won when everyone who knows anything knows he’s a loser? (Looks at Romney.) Loser!


Romney: Am not! You’re the loser!


Obama: Not this time. Loser, loser, loser!


Reporter: Guys, guys, it’s over!


For more below the belt reporting from the beltway see:

The First Presidential Debate By Yours Truly

The Vice Presidential Debate By Yours Truly

Talking Points: Following The Party Line


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