The Final Presidential Debate By Yours Truly



The Third Presidential Debate according to none other than yours truly.

Gentlemen, start your engines!


The election for President is coming down to the wire. With every indication the candidates are grumpy and have eaten too many beans, the stakes couldn’t be higher for those who get blamed. That’s why we knew we had to re-enlist for another tour under the peanut gallery at last night’s debate headquarters in Boca Raton Florida. Let me just tell you it was hot and bothered down there! But enough of that. You probably came to hear how the candidates blathered on. Believe me, you won’t be disappointed for no one can bandy about blather like these world class blatherers! It all started and ended something like this…


Moderator: The focus of tonight’s Presidential debate is our fern policy.


Obama: Our fern policy? No one said anything about ferns.


Romney: Oh, I like ferns. I’m all for ‘em!


Moderator: As I was saying, if a policy sounds fern to you its fodder for tonight’s face off. Okay, first up, let’s talk about our fern policy in Libya. Mr. President?


Obama: Don’t you mean our foreign policy?


Moderator: Not really, but go ahead.


Obama: I said what I did from the start and that’s what we did. We’ve been over this 3 times already.


Moderator: Governor? How do you respond to that?


Romney: Since he blasted me on ferns in Libya last time around, I’d like to talk about our posies, instead. They’re just beautiful this time of year.


Moderator: Excellent. Okay, Mr. President, I was just informed you were right and this is a debate about our foreign policy not our fern policy. Oops. My bad. Perhaps we can just move ahead and you can say a bit more about America’s role in the world.


Obama: I’d be glad to. Americans have always liked their rolls. We’re big eaters when it comes to most any kind of bun, but the roll is one of our favorites.


Moderator: And you Governor Romney.


Romney: Americans can’t survive on biscuits alone. That’s why I say we expand the role of rolls and create 12 million new jobs in the process.


Moderator: Just to be clear, Governor, is this the 12 million jobs you referred to in previous debates.


Romney: Heck no, and that’s the beauty of my ever-expanding plan to create more jobs. You could say I’m on a roll. Yes, indeedy, my plan is as flexible as a Chinese acrobat. If I see an opportunity I take it, and that’s why this is at least 12 million more jobs than we were talking about before—good paying jobs—and definitely more than the 12 million I created in the last debate.


Obama: Only in your imagination.


Romney: What’s that?


Obama: I said you only created those jobs in your imagination. You can’t do that. You’re pulling a con on the American people.


Romney: I’m doing no such thing. The American people believe the stuff they hear me say and why shouldn’t they? The very minute I get something in my head stuff happens that changes certain stuff here and creates other stuff there. Believe me, pretty soon there’s way too much stuff to worry about so I hire people to worry about it for me and then they hire others and so on. That’s the key, my friend: An entire nation of worriers. Unemployment solved.


Obama: (To moderator.) Do I really have to put up with this?


Moderator: Yep. Sorry. He’s the best they got. Remember Herman Cain?


Obama: Oh, right, I’d blocked that. Well, then, the Governor’s wrong to pass the buck on worrying. I don’t pass worry on. In my administration the buck stops with me on worry. In fact, I worry about everything all by myself. That way other people who shouldn’t need to worry, don’t need to worry at all. Believe me, you don’t want people worrying who don’t know how to worry or they get frazzled. For example, I worry about all those people the Governor plans to hire in order to produce more rolls. Think about it. If you put 6 people on a roll, you’d have one handler, one cutter, one butterer and one guy stuffing his face. That’s only four. What about the other two? What are they supposed to do? Just answer that, Governor.


Romney: That’s the everlasting beauty of my perpetually beautiful and never-ending plan for more rolls. If anyone is standing around idle at our sparkling new roll processing facility we’ll outsource their jobs to China.


Moderator: You’re outsourcing our thumb twiddler jobs to China? Won’t that increase unemployment here?


Romney: Exactly. If we do that, we’re 1/3 more efficient. Multiple that by 12 million and that means China’s got 4 million people standing around twiddling their thumbs. They won’t know what hit them and pretty soon those workers will demand a raise and then they’ll revolt and then the whole country will crash. It’s genius.


Moderator: I’m sure President Obama doesn’t agree, but let’s skip along. Next up is the war that won’t go away.


Obama: You mean the one between me and him? (Points to Romney.)


Moderator: Cute, but no, I was talking about Iraq and Afghanistan.


Obama: Hey, Iraq went away just like I said it would and Afghanistan’s scheduled to go away after the election. It’s good to schedule wars. That way we know when to send stuff in or pull stuff out. Oh, and did I mention the only reason we got in these wars in the first place was to get the terrorists that Bush said he’d get but couldn’t? I bagged a biggie there. (Looks at Romney and holds up a finger.) That’s Obama one and Osama Bin Laden nothing but fish food in case you were wondering.


Romney: Fish food, smish food. You’re still fighting in Afghanistan so as long as you’re fighting you should fight more, not less. That’s what it means to be a strong leader and have a strong America. We need strength to be strong and that leads to peace. We need to flex our muscles and push around anyone who gets in our way. Only then should we apologize. That means we need more troops, tanks and laser guided drones. Finally, we need to crush those godless communists once and for all and then we can make peace with all those people we ran over in Pakistan.


Moderator: I think you’re confusing your opponents, Governor. The Afghans are largely Muslim and aren’t communist at all.


Romney: And that’s the beauty of my widiculously wonderful war plan. War isn’t wrong, it’s wight. The thing is, you want to be in the wight war for all the wight reasons, or if that’s not working you’ve got to come up with some weally, weally wrong reasons to make it wight.


Obama: So which is it? You can’t have it both ways?


Romney: Which is what?


Obama: Are you for or against war?


Romney: How can I be for war when you’re cutting gazillions out of the defense budget and making us weak? What are our soldiers going to fight with? Since 1914 you’ve cut the size of our Navy from 300 boats to 200 boats. That’s one huge and gigantic cut, not to mention a lot fewer boats.


Obama: I ain’t cutting nuttin’ for nobody, and by the way I wasn’t even around in 1914 so how can you blame me for cutting all those boats? Besides, we got less horses and bayonets too, but we don’t need ‘em because now we have air craft carriers! Sheesh, do I have to explain everything to you?


Moderator: Aptly put, but our clock’s a-ticking. Let’s talk Israel and Iran. Governor, what can you say about the red line? Would you be willing to state right here and now that if Israel was attacked, the U.S. would defend her?


Romney: Let’s just say my aides are handing out red crayons as I speak so people can draw a red line anywhere they like. Hey, I need the Jewish vote in Florida.


Obama: Ditto that, but my aids are handing out permanent markers—a much better option.


Moderator: You two come prepared, I’ll give you that. So what about Iran’s intention to get nuclear weapons. Isn’t that a threat, Mr. President?


Obama: I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it one last time: Iran is not getting nukes. Let me repeat that: Iran is not getting nukes. Again, I repeat…


Moderator: No need Mr. President. We got it. Governor, any response?


Romney: As far as I’m concerned no nukes is good nukes. That’s why I say we can’t let Iran have a nuke, even though they have so many centrifuges they’re turning some into merry-go-rounds. Now, President Obama’s had four whole years to take over the government of Iran and tell the fine folks there to stop spinning all their children and uranium in circles and he still hasn’t done it. That’s not good nukes at all and speaks volumes about placating our enemies.


Obama: We’re not placating our enemies, we’re placating Hillary. And believe me, Hillary’s all over this one and she’s doing everything anyone can to keep children from spinning out of control in the region. Fortunately, Hillary is experienced and wise to the ways of our wascally and wily war buddies. The trouble is you can’t just swoop in and take over Iran like we did in Iraq. Iran’s a tough nut to crack, but Hillary’s cracking nuts the best she can. Believe me, she’s one heck of a nutcracker and there’s no spin on that.


Moderator: I suppose the Governor has the same opinion as I do on that one too, but let’s switch topics. I want to talk about the changing face of terrorism. Mr. President, why don’t you take this one and run with it?


Obama: Let me just remind those of you who don’t remember getting up this morning that I mean the things I say when I say them over and over again. Now, I said we’d make Osama our number one priority at least three dozen times and bingo we did it. The trouble is with Osama gone, we’ve needed some new faces to terrorize, er check that, we’ve needed a new deck of cards to identify all the up and coming terrorists. Thus, I ordered the Vice President to come up with a nifty new fifty and we’ll be handing them out right after we launch our next wave of drones.


Moderator: Impressive plan. So what would you do about terrorists, Governor?


Romney: I wouldn’t stop with a card deck. I’d hire one of my kids to write an app and right there we’d create a 12 million more jobs.


Moderator: I’m not sure how that would work, Governor. Can you provide more detail?


Romney: Certainly. If we build a graphic intensive app it will become so popular that everyone in the world will want a copy. Now, I ask you, how are they going to get one? They download it to their smart pad or phone, correct? This will generate a huge new demand for the latest hardware to handle the graphic, which in turn will mean companies will hire new workers to build them. That’s at least 12 million jobs right there.


Obama: Maybe in China.


Romney: How do you figure?


Obama: Who builds our smart phones and pads? The Chinese! Thus, any new jobs would be in China. So tell me, Governor, how’s that create 12 million new jobs right here where we need them?


Romney: That’s the beauty of my fantastically, wonderful and terrific new plan I just dusted off and made new again. By creating Chinese jobs we raise the income of the Chinese and turn them into bigger consumers for American products. And that, my friend, will create yet another 12 million jobs on top the 12 million I mentioned a moment ago.


Obama: You didn’t create 12 million to begin with so how does that create 12 million more? Your math doesn’t add up. In fact none of your math ever adds up. It’s infuriating.


Romney: And that’s another reason why my plan is so spectacular and beautiful. Whenever my math doesn’t pan out, I simply hire accountants to work the numbers into a more agreeable format and that creates 12 million more jobs again. Holy cow, we’ve got jobs growing all over the place and I haven’t even been elected yet!


Obama: I can’t believe this.


Moderator: Gentlemen, gentlemen, we’re getting off track and time is limited. Now, I know we’ve touched on the topic several times, but please say something more about China. Governor?


Romney: The Chinese don’t play fair. First, they’ve got way more people to stack the deck with so they’re always stacking the deck. Second, they’ve been buying up our bonds and they won’t give ‘em back. That’s left us with a huge deficit and bondless vagabonds. Third, they undervalue their currency so we all end up addicted to cheap Chinese labor and goods. That just makes everything much less expensive than it could be. I say we cut ‘em off.


Obama: Governor, you were all set to give the Chinese our thumb twiddlers and have them make smart phones a minute ago. How does that cut ‘em off? The truth is we buy so much from China right now there’d be nothing to buy anymore but stuff made in America. Believe me, nobody can afford that stuff.


Moderator: That about wraps it up. Any last desperate pleas to the American people? Mr. President?


Obama: The Governor can’t remember what he said in the last debate much less what he told his Republican primary voters two months ago or the American public when he ran for President in 2008. It’s plain he’s got a bad case of Romnesia and it’s getting much worse. I’m still sharp as a tack and need 4 more years to retackle the job we couldn’t tackle before. Please vote for me and I’ll tackle whatever they let me.


Moderator: Governor?


Romney: The President hasn’t presented a vision for the next four years even though I’ve been hammering him on to do so for the last four weeks. You could say I’ve hit the nail on the head, but nobody’s paying attention. On the other hand, I’ve presented at least a couple dozen visions by now. Any one of them is better than whatever the President’s done and is bound to create at least 12 million new jobs. Trust me, vote for me because I know what it takes to create 12 million new jobs.


Moderator: And that’s it! We’ve finally reached the end of our debates. Thank the Lord Almighty! Now as my Mom used to say, “Don’t you all have something better to do than sit around and blather?”


For more fact checking the hard way, you may also want to read:

The First Presidential Debate By Yours Truly

The Vice Presidential Debate By Yours Truly

Talking Points: Following The Party Line

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