The OMG We’re All Going Over The Fiscal Cliff Test!

 

With the election over there’s been a lot of talk about the economy in the news and especially the so-called “fiscal cliff.” Just to add to confusion we decided to put together a short test so people can demonstrate their incredible knowledge or complete lack thereof regarding current, less than current, and completely out of the current events. More importantly, this gives everyone the opportunity to impress all their Facebook friends to no end. We made our test multiple guess in order for it to be as easy as snatching a fruit fly out of the air with chopsticks during the height of  Hurricane Sandy. Don’t worry, there’s at least a 99.9% certainty you’ll get everything wrong. Go ahead and give it a go, we dare you!

 

Anna is worried about her upcoming test.

Shut up and pay attention class. This is stuff is hypercritically unimportant.

Instructions

 

Without further ado, please answer the following questions by singing the answer in the highest, squeakiest pitch you can possibly manage. It might help to inhale helium to do this, but due to potential side effects we would never suggest trying this in a million years except for the mention above, which we can only hope you ignored other than the fact we just pointed it out.

 

Note: This test will go much easier with a partner. Have your partner read the questions as they assume the downward facing dog yoga position while you apply firm downward pressure to their buttocks at the same time. Believe me, a little pressure will go a long way to mash their face into the carpet and that way they’ll end up mumbling the words which makes understanding anything impossible. We’re pretty sure this is how Congress goes about its business and why they fail to get anything accomplished.

 

Okay, we’re almost there. You have 5 seconds to read each question, 2.2 seconds to pick an answer, 25 seconds to calm your rapidly accelerating heart rate, 42 seconds to tune your voice like the in-shower opera singer we know you are, and 2 hours to find a permanent marker. FYI: The permanent marker is so you can tattoo all your answers to the back of your tonsils. Don’t cheat! We’re watching your every move through your webcam and plan to throw all cheaters off the fiscal cliff!

 

Ready? Begin.

 

1)   The fiscal cliff is:

 

a)   A stack of one hundred dollar bills so high you could perform a triple back flip with a half twist and still have time to pour a glass of wine on the way down.

b)   A high shelf on Mount Rainier where the Occupy Wall Street movement (OWS) secretly takes bankers in order to pants them for crimes against humanity. Then they push them off.

c)   A mathematical formula written vertically, which is used to calculate the maximum horizontal size that our deficit can be before it’s way too big to begin with.

d)   A place where you can throw a quarter down and yell out, “Watch out belooooooooow!” at the top of your lungs and nobody will see or hear you.

e)   None of the above, but there’s at least a 5% possibility of something still working out from way down belooooooooow! Isn’t if fun to yell like that?

 

2)   The deficit is:

 

a)   The number of Mormon votes Mitt Romney came up short in the election. It was 3. His wife and two aunts.

b)   A number that refers to the total I.Q. of Congress (i.e. 10).

c)   One of the above and one from a parallel universe where this test actually makes sense.

d)   Created whenever we increase taxes and cut expenditures, which we only do half way, and half the time at that.

e)   A term used to describe a well-functioning weight loss diet plan—that is, when calories consumed exceed calories taken in, which they never do except on the day immediately following New Years.

 

3)   The national debt is:

 

a)   The amount of money spent on musicians who perform the national anthem during major league baseball games.

b)   Is something all Olympic athletes need to worry about since one solution is to take away their gold medals, melt them all down and use the gold to pay it off.

c)   The total everyone in the country owes on student loans.

d)   The sum of all the money wagered on the outcome of the Super Bowl, plus the amount spent on halftime snacks.

e)   Our everlasting debt of gratitude for those soldiers who have given the ultimate sacrifice on our behalf.

f)    A real !*@&#$%! problem if you stop and think about it, but nobody really does that except economists and no one except economists knows if economists even know what they’re talking about to begin with. Now, isn’t that a conundrum?

 

4)   The debt ceiling is:

 

a)    The house limit casinos in Vegas place on professional gamblers after they start to lose.

b)   A high room accessed by an extension ladder in a special vault located way up in the Alps used by top  international bankers to process really big and tall loan payments to Greece.

c)   The money still owed for building the Seattle Kingdom long after it’s been demolished and rebuilt as an open air baseball park in one of the rainiest cities on the planet.

d)   An exciting new board game that’s attached to the ceiling and invented by the people who brought you Farmville on Facebook. Look for it hanging off the ceiling of your favorite seed store starting Black Friday.

e)   None or all of the above, but not some of the above or even answer “a”.

 

5)   The unemployment rate:

 

a)   Refers to the total number of illegal immigrants looking for work in front of Home Depot and Lowe’s that already got at least one temporary job before 9 am and finished it so need another before calling it a day.

b)   Is the amount of vacant farmland that could be used to grow marijuana now that it’s been legalized in certain states and is bound to be consumed anyway in all the others.

c)   Refers to the number of Congressmen and other politicians who either resigned or were voted out of office after the 2008 election that went back to work during the campaign of 2012 and then lost their job again because they were such losers.

d)   Describes those who specifically lost their jobs or were forced to leave their place of residence on account of the recently settled NFL referees strike.

e)   Is pointless to those who have a job so wonderful they will often be caught sticking their fingers in their ears and yelling, “Niener, niener!” at those who don’t. There’s at least 3 or 4 of them. The bums.

 

6)   Inflation:

 

a)   Is the amount of air you can put into a Guinness Book of World Record sized condom, which is roughly enough to make it the size of the Empire State building when it pops.

b)   Refers to the ever-increasing size of Donald Trump’s ego which is even bigger than the aforementioned fully-inflated condom.

c)   Is a state-mandated formula used by executives of gas companies to calculate how much they can raise or lower prices based on current petroleum supplies without getting their fingers slapped with the rulers of a gang of roving nuns on a mission to reduce energy consumption.

d)   The same as “c” except there are no nuns. Instead it’s a gang of bubblegum chewing former Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders wearing skimpy bikinis and carrying fully automatic paintball guns.

e)   Is what happens when too many low cost goods are imported from countries like Monaco, Luxemburg, or Sweden.

 

7)   The President’s second term: (Watch out this one is tricky!)

 

a)   Runs consecutively with his first term and last four years, which at least 44 to 49 percent of the population figures is 4 years too much and the rest figure isn’t half long enough.

b)   Starts immediately following the election of his predecessor and before he’s officially sworn in.

c)   Is guaranteed if he wins a majority of the popular vote because no one pays attention to the electoral vote except the news media on election night.

d)   Is set to be exactly one day shorter than the first term according to the U.S. Constitution.

e)   Is unconstitutional since Hawaii was never officially recognized as the 50th state by the native Hawaiians and the President was born in the state of Hawaii on unrecognized public private land owned by the Hawaiians who consider themselves U.S. citizens.

 

8)   Now that the President was won re-election:

 

a)   Congress must agree to all the proposals he puts forth for his first 100 days in office. This is known as the “honeymoon” phase and goes away much quicker than the two parties hope or expect. Sadly, most marriages like this end in divorce.

b)   The Vice President gets to decide which runner up from American Idol is allowed to sing the national anthem when the President is sworn in for his second term. However, the President can still veto the selection.

c)   Oprah has announced her intention to form a new party called the “O Party” to compete with the Tea Party for President in 2016.

d)   He can invoke the never previously invoked Article XXII of the U.S. Constitution which says he has the ability to dissolve Parliament and call for new elections in England. Because the Queen hasn’t asked him to do it, the odds are high he won’t want to ruffle any her majesty’s royal plumage.

e)   He has the authority to void  every other answer, starting with the oddest in the bunch, plus two other answers from questions 1 and 6 and still another answer from question 11 which was dropped at the last minute.

 

9)   With the election over, there’s a new and striking spirit of cooperation sweeping the country. This means:

 

a)   Bruce Springsteen has agreed to play at Governor Christie’s next birthday party as long as it’s (a) held in a sinking boat sitting at least 200 yards due East of the New Jersey shoreline as measured prior to Hurricane Sandy, (b) the party occurs during the next Nor’easter, and (c) Bruce can televise his act to the Governor from the safety of a studio in Seattle.

b)   The two parties in Congress will cross the aisle and exchange their seats, so they end up sitting on the opposite sides of the Capitol. This tradition is actually credited as the inspiration for the party game “Musical Chairs” and is yet another reason Congress never gets anything accomplished.

c)   Rush Limbaugh has promised to quit his radio show, shave his head and go on a tour promoting world peace with Angelina Jollie.

d)   FOX News has reported a pact with MSNBC to fact-check each other’s stories for all of 2013. The deal calls for Judge Judy to arbitrate any disagreements. Looks like the judge will be busy.

e)   Big Bird invited the entire Romney family plus all their continuing Secret Service protection over to make up for comments made during the campaign. Unfortunately Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog declined to attend, citing irreconcilable differences.

 

10)       Hurricane Sandy:

 

a)   Was named after the famous actress Sandra Bullock to memorialize her now infamous public blow up with actor James Shatner—the one that occurred in private and no one actually saw or can attest to—after filming the movie Miss Congeniality 2.

b)   Is thought to have struck the North American continent with such force it set off several earthquakes measuring at least 5.0 along the San Andreas Fault in Southern California. Fortunately, there was only minor damage reported in Alaska.

c)   Forced a secret emergency landing of Air Force One in Havana, Cuba. Unconfirmed rumors now sweeping the internet suggest one of President Obama’s first acts after his upcoming inauguration will be to halt the embargo of Cuban cigars. The First Lady is reportedly appalled.

d)   Wasn’t the original name for this storm as naming rules require all hurricane category storms that travel as far north as our nation’s Capitol switch from a male to female name before the eye of the storm makes landfall. The storm’s original name was Ralphie.

e)   None of the above for all the questions we didn’t ask, though we’re still arguing whether it’s debatable whether they should have been asked in place of the questions we asked in the first place, or if in asking the questions we didn’t ask if we would have caused added confusion regarding the fiscal cliff or any other cliff for that matter.

 

And here’s the long anticipated answer key. You’ll need a microscope and will have to stand on your head or hold your child upside down in front of the screen to read it. Good luck with that.

 

The answer key for today's quiz.

Comments are closed.

Categories

Favorite Pages

Comics-2quotes-buttonFood-Recipes-2Recipe-Index-butHome-Project-Tips-2Famous-Ducks-2Personal-Growth-2Great-Savings-Tips-2Investing-Ideas-2

Archives