New Social Media Tax Uncovered!

 

New tax policy uncovered taxes social media users.

ATTENTION!

STOP!

READ THIS IF YOU KNOW HOW!

SHARE THIS IF YOU CAN!

YOU’LL TURN INTO A NEWT IF YOU DON’T!

 

According to scrap of paper with a smiley face found stuffed inside an unlocked, but otherwise impregnable briefcase, one buried deep within the  hidden compartment of a vault inside the office of a recently murdered Congressional lobbyist, Congress is now set to pass super secret legislation so outrageous it’s bound to change life as we know it. Thanks to yours truly, a digitized version of the scrap of paper (which points to a website containing the bill) was uncovered after it was accidentally scanned and uploaded to a non-secure server located by the coffee cart in front of the Pentagon. Good thing I got a donut.

 

A top secret Congressional bill.

Note the Klingon hieroglyphics in and around the actual bill itself which is too small to read with the naked eye.

The new law, which is posted in the plain site of any electron-microscope-toting, web-crawling, duck-shaped nanobot (i.e. to the right), has been cleverly camouflaged by Klingon hieroglyphics. I copied the original and re-posted it here for your easy viewing pleasure. The bill itself (HR-URASCKR)  proposes that anyone who so much as glances at Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media website (even if wearing protective tinfoil underwear and standing twenty feet away) is about to get hit by a shocking new internet sharing tax.

 

Folks, this is not a hoax. It’s not a scam. It’s been fact-checked by fact-checkers whose only business is making up facts just so they can tell the difference between fiction, fictional facts, and truth so astounding it has to be true both before and after the facts have been removed to be fact-checked, rewritten as fiction, and then re-inserted right after the new fiction was found to make more sense than the facts ever did! And that’s a fact!

 

Though the new tax will flow freely to government coffers, it will be instantly funneled to secret offshore bank accounts and used to offset non-existing offshore income taxes—taxes Facebook and other large social media corporations have refused to pay without offsetting deductions they can claim retroactively. This will allow these companies to continue in their ongoing quest to strip the last vestiges of privacy from those who have sworn off social media and gone off the grid in their attempt to free themselves from the endless suffering inflicted from non fact-checked social media policy changes shared at all hours of the day and night by their “friends” who ought to know better.

 

Better examine it closely.

Our duck-shaped, electron-microscope-toting nanobots have been busy. You won’t believe what they’ve uncovered.

The twenty-five people still reading this notice can and should cut and paste it directly to their foreheads. This will protect the rest of us from paying the maximum tax rate which is at least 50% of any amount over, under, or halfway between a specific subclass of depreciated assets subjugated by at-risk investments in bundled international non-collateralized student loans made to expatriated foreign national drop out students who are currently attending the University of Maryland post mortem. Furthermore, those who decipher and sign the bonus petition to save a Twinkie  (which can be found in article 26, sub-section 59, paragraph 125 of the new law) will be immediately listed as an endangered species and be automatically entered in a national lottery. The winner will receive all the rights and benefits afforded to any member of Congress, or to any species  already extinct when said policy is to be implemented, whichever is less.

 

It should be noted that failure to share, text, phone and mail this message to the 1000 people you like the least is grounds for the torture, death and general maiming of the 2 friends you like the most (unless you only have 2 friends and then you’re required to send or share this stupid thing twice a day for the next week to 16,000 complete and total strangers). Better get with it.

 

Click like! Click share! We pity the fools who won’t share this with everyone they love, like, love to love or like to love, like to hate, love to hate, hate, or to anyone who falls in the cracks we just created by writing this. May the failure to share make your eyebrows spontaneously burst into flame. May the failure to share give you a severe case of acne for a dozen years. May the failure to share give you an incurable hump. May the…Alright, already! I’ve shared, I’ve shared, now leave me alone!

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