The Bureau Of Peeking Ducks

 

Top spying agency acronyms.

They’re all watching you.

Uh, hello? Has anyone been listening to the news of late? If you haven’t figured it out then be advised you are the target of investigation and your every move is being watched!!! Yes, the NSA is interested in all your activities, but so is the CIA, DIA, FBI, DHS and about a half dozen other agencies no one has ever heard of. For example, I bet you didn’t know about the BPD. Oh, and if you don’t own a secret decoder ring that’s the Bureau of Peeking Ducks! Let me just add, if you thought the NSA or FBI was bad news, you ain’t heard nuttin’ yet!

 

Of course, as your world—almost nearly twice as famous as Howard Zinn and slightly less famous than Alistair Cooke—duck historian, let me just tell you I know exactly what’s going on even though I shouldn’t have a clue. That’s because I’ll be minding my own business when some duck will come walking up into my face and tell me all about it. Believe me: You wouldn’t like it any better than I do!

 

Phil Farmer Ferret doing his thang.

Here’s fabulous Phil pictured in his last Iron Man competition. Phil came in dead last.

Let’s start near the top: It seems President Barack “Why-Did-We-Ever-Think-You’d-Be-Any-Different?” Obama hired a phalanx of ferrets to ferret out everything that needs ferreting out, plus some stuff that only needs ratting out on occasion. By now, everyone knows ferrets make terrible spies since they can’t keep still. If you hadn’t guessed, this is critical in the spy trade. That’s why, Phil Farmer Ferret, the top rodent at the Ferret Bureau of Insubordination has Dave Dutymeyer Duck on his speed dial. Mr. Duck is the chief spy monger at the BPD. Phil passed on the president’s order to Dave and as a result Dave is now spying on everyone. Yes, you got that right: Good old Dave and the crew at the BPD are now spying on everyone from the President on down to yours truly!

 

Now, Dave Dutymeyer Duck is one famous duck. Why he’s practically a legend in his own time. What’s that? You haven’t heard of Dave? But how can that be? Dave’s notoriety is at least on par with the likes of J. Edgar Hoover, only Dave is at least ten times worse and twice as ugly.

 

Top spy of the U.S. government's most secret spy agency the BDP.

As ducks go, Dave is one mean, ugly duck.

How bad is he really? If you thought Dick Cheney was scary after he shot his BFF on a bird hunting day trip you obviously haven’t heard about the recent incident at the Washington Waldorf where Dave ate a Caesar salad and then shot up a wedding party that consisted of his sister, two brothers, 14 nieces and nephews and the entire horn section of the United States Marine Band. But why, you ask? Sadly, it was all because the staff skimped on some lousy anchovies. Unbelievable, right? We’re talking seriously deranged here folks. We can only thank our lucky stars Jimmy Fallon was interviewing Miley Cyrus in the room next door when it happened and was able to alert the agency. They came racing in and subdued Dave before he blew up the elevator. And in case you were wondering, Mr. Fallon is the FBI’s undercover liaison for the BPD (beside being the Tonight Show host), which made the interview the perfect cover to keep tabs on wily old Dave.

 

Let’s Talk Techy Tools

 

Unless you’re Amish and live on a deserted island, I suspect by now you’ve heard all about rampant NSA internet spying, and domestic drone flyovers. If you’re like me you may be approaching a state of irate now that our government has deemed it s necessity to spy on its own law-abiding citizens all in the name of fighting terrorism. Sigh. I really hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but the stuff you’ve heard about is only the tip of the iceberg. If you think the NSA is all geared up, you won’t believe all the tech gadgetry available to the BPD. They’ve got everything James Bond’s M thought of, plus lots of stuff he didn’t, and then they improved on everything.

 

It would be difficult not to have heard of the spying scandal.

This is good old Yonny Olson. Yes, he’s Amish, and yes, he lives on a deserted island. Believe me, he knows nothing about spying.


 

As there’s a slim possibility you will doubt the word of a duck history blogging historian at face value I’ve come prepared to give you the hush, hush rundown of what was up until now the BPD’s most top, ultra, super-secret, spying devices to prove my case. Please just don’t tell anyone where you heard it or I may get in twice as much trouble as I was when I was five and my sister tattled on me for throwing spit wads. Mom threw me in the dungeon at Guantanamo. It wasn’t fair!

 

Without Further Ado:

 

Super secret spying device the Nano Cockroach can drill through anything.

Believe me, no one is safe from these nasty critters.

1) Nuclear powered nano cockroach destroyers. What’s worse than a bunch of picnic ants? How about indestructible cockroaches specifically designed to bore cockroach size holes through any material known to man. Yes, even diamond. Do I need to add that this allows for delivering spy cams anywhere the bureau wants? Nope, there is no room or structure safe from cockroaches.

 
 
 

The nose hair cam is another top secret spy device. Shsssh!

If you spot nose hair there’s at least a 50% chance it includes a spy cam belonging to the BPD.

2) 3-D nose hair spy cams. These 32-mega pixel cameras are the perfect device to shove down those holes you drill with your nuclear powered nano cockroaches or to wear in your nose. Better watch out for anyone younger than forty who has overly furry nostrils and sniffs a lot or who tends to tilt their head up at you. Chances are they’re taking your picture in high def 3-D! Is nothing sacred anymore?

 
 
 

Camouflaged cloud servers are yet another super secret spying device.

Watch out for any unusual looking clouds. All the data the BPD has on you will be stored in the one floating right over your head.

3) Camouflaged cloud storage servers cleverly designed to look like clouds. Let me just ask: Where do you store all that video taken with your spy cams? In the cloud of course, but not just any cloud will do. This special cloud server features maximum security as it uses one terabyte encryption—encryption so secure it will never be broken in a gazillion plus years. The server itself is built out of super lightweight materials suspended by miniaturized helium tanks designed to look like rain drops. It’s then all camouflaged to look like—you guessed it—a big cloud. Heck, you probably have one of these floating over you right now. Don’t look up.

 

Bionic Bats are incredibly secret spying devices our government uses to track us.

This bat isn’t any ordinary bat. Even if you whisper it can pick up your conversation 1000 yards away.

4) Bionic bats. Bionic bats are, yes, part bat and part flying robot that utilize the very latest in Artificial Intelligence technology. Incredibly flexible, these bats can squeeze through a hole the size of a dime, hang upside down, fly with perfect night vision, and their audible abilities are astounding as they can hear an ant sighing at 300 yards. It’s no accident you’ve probably noticed the recent uptick in the bat population, or the startling increase in the number of ant suicides.

 

The Hummingbird Interceptor is a dangerous and powerful spy tool.

I always thought hummingbirds were cool. Not anymore! These birds can film you, record audio and shoot poison blow missiles from a quarter mile away.


 

5) Multi-purpose hummingbird interceptors. Not every spying job is one you can take time to plan so to insure the agency has sufficient rapid deployment spying capability it recently financed a $500 billion plan to cordon off the U.S. into 2500 square feet grids and place a hummingbird interceptor in hidden locations inside every last one of them. There are no limits to the capabilities of these magnificent, mighty mini-drones. They can fly from zero to 500 feet and back again in two seconds flat. They can fly forward backward sideways, vertical, and horizontal, or spin and flip like a Romanian coke-snorting squirrel gymnast on steroids. Of course, they record audio and video, but they can also deliver injections of deadly poisons using blow gun mini-missiles from a quarter mile away. If you see a hummingbird, hit the deck!

 

Spy dandruff is the very latest in our government's arsenal of top secret spy tools.

Even Mrs. O isn’t immune from spying dandruff. Old Dave Dutymeyer Duck is merciless. He tracks all his allies as well as potential enemies.

6) Spying dandruff. Feeling a bit flaky of late? It’s probably not real dandruff. More likely than not, you’ve caught some of the agency’s spy dandruff. A near perfect tool for spying, spy dandruff is light and hard to get rid of, plus this stuff comes with nano-sized microphones and cameras built in. If you’re on the agency’s hit list of suspected suspects doing something you probably shouldn’t be doing even half of the time, or on their list of suspects never suspected of doing anything anywhere at any time, then there is at least a 75% probability you’ve already got this stuff flaking off all over your house, your car, your bed, your living room, your office, and, well, you get the drift.

 

This weedoscope is wicked in terms of its spy capabilities.

You’ll never look at weeds the same way once you realize these are popping up in the yard.

7) Matter converter sub-periscope weed inserter. No, we’re not smoking anything here. This baby is really something. It’s a sixteen foot long submarine crewed by specially trained Oompa-Loompas that generates a sub-sonic wave field that allows it to travel through solid ground at a clip of 40 knots. Once the sub has reached its intended target the crew can bring up a “weedoscope” and drop off a spying device designed to look like—you guessed it—a weed. Believe me, if you’ve got any weeds, anywhere (especially if it seems they shot up overnight), there is an excellent chance you’re being watched. Best get a really good weed whacker if you want to thwart this baby.

 

Computer mirroring is one way the BPD keeps track of everyone.

Think your anti-virus and VPN keeps you safe from prying eyes? Think again!

8) Mirror keyboard and monitor worm. No doubt you’ve already heard of people who remotely control your computer’s web cam and use it to spy on you. This is particularly embarrassing if you’re picking your nose or otherwise scratching in places you shouldn’t. However, the stakes just got higher with the development of this worm. After it infects your computer, it allows any BPD operator to record everything you have ever typed, all your computer files, and to direct your camera to display any spot in the room. Plus, it can read any book or notes you’ve made by hand such as a closed diary from across the room using a special MRI scan designed just for the purpose. There is no anti-virus program that can thwart this worm as it has been introduced through our electric grid and any computer of device that has ever been plugged in or charged is already infected. If you’ve got something to hide, I suggest you burn it before the BPD finishes their Ash Rejuvenation Synthesizer which will regenerate a burned object and make it as good as new.

 

9) Parallel n-dimensional ghosts. Spies have a long association with the word ghost. No doubt the first spies were so named since they disappeared into the woodwork whenever you turned to look. Spooky, right? Well, it gets scarier since the agencies new ghosts will bring a whole new meaning to spying. This device allows a real world spy to pass through multi-dimensional space such that they end up in a another plane of existence—a parallel universe if you will. There will be no escaping the watchful eyes of parallel ghosts. They can see you, but you won’t see them. Only those in tune with the spirits are even likely to know they’re being haunted.

 

N-dimensional ghosts are yet another dangerous and controversial spy tool of the BPD.

The parallel n-dimensional spying cloak puts some real meaning into the word “spook”. These ghosts can see you, but you can’t see them!

 

There you have it folks. The truth as it can finally be delivered after some duck named Edward Snowden was ready to spill it. Unfortunately, we can now report it’s much, much worse than even Mr. Snowden revealed. Oh, and lest you’re still confused just remember real privacy no longer exists. No one is safe from the ever-watchful eyes of the Bureau of Peeking Ducks.

 

 

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