Diana Nyad: First? Not So Fast.



Diana Nyad instructs her support team to take pot shots at the duck.

Who came in first? Are you sure? Better check this out.


Another Famous Duck of History…


Once in awhile yours truly feels the necessity to dabble in the darker arts of historical record keeping. I do this because the internet allows me the ability to write whatever I damn well please, and because, let’s face it, history is little more than story telling, which means it is open to interpretation, misuse, and manipulation. I also do it because messing with the record…er, check that, setting the record straight matters to those brave ducks who have sacrificed their lives for the betterment of all, and to those like you who are simply superior human beings. How can I know you rank among such an elite and worthy class of people? Because you found this website and hereby promise to share it with your entire flock!


Jumping right into the fray…


On Labor Day in our year of the duck two-thousand and a bit more, the 64 year old human Diana Nyad was given great attention and adulation for accomplishing a daring feat: That is swimming some 103 odd nautical miles from Havana, Cuba to Key West, Florida. Well done, Diana. Now, while one much younger human (i.e. Australian Susie Maroney) accomplished this same feat a few years back in a shark cage) nowhere else has the media given any indication that Diana Nyad is not the first to swim this stretch of open water. Indeed, this eye-witness report will lay the facts bare and expose the absolute, almost completely accurate truth about what probably happened if only things had been slightly different than they actually turned out.



If things had been different…


Diana “Duckbill” Nyad was born July 4, 1919. Thus, Diana Duckbill Nyad should not be confused with the same Diana Nyad mentioned previously. Besides being 30 years older, and in spite of their remarkably similar appearance, Diana Duckbill is—yes, you guessed it—a duck. You can see Diana Duckbill pictured below and should therefore no longer be as confused as I seem to be.


A portrait of Diana Nyad

Click to enlarge.


I suppose if you’ve aligned your political priorities with the duck party and are therefore a duck history buff like me, it won’t come as a shock that Diana Duckbill (or Deedee as her closest friends fondly call her) completed the very same swim from Havana Cuba to Key West. However, what may just work you up into a hissy fit is the fact both swimmers left the dock in Havana on the same date and time and Deedee beat the human Diana by 4 hours, 19 minutes and 32 seconds! That’s right the duck swam ashore first. Furthermore, she did it without a support team, without a flotilla of accompanying boats (or even a life preserver), and without expert divers who shooed away giant duck-eating jellyfish.


2 adoring fans of Diana Nyad.

Where were the legions of adoring fans?

So the questions must be asked? Where was the media to cover this incredible feat of duck daring do? Where was the entourage from the Guinness Book of Records? Where were the legions of adoring fans, or the paramedics, for that matter? Alas, had it not been for yours truly and my remarkable skills at reviving nearly dead ducks, Deedee’s achievement would be lost in the bottom of a footlocker of unimaginably important stuff and thereby relegated to a sub-footnote in a sub-section of a sub-paragraph of history. Let’s all just take a moment and thank our lucky stars that didn’t happen!


Yes, my dear brethren, though it’s nothing less than shameful, humanity is once again poised to snub ducks everywhere by stealing their rightful thunder. What’s that? You still aren’t convinced? Then you need only consider the comments made by the human Diana Nyad 4 hours, 19 minutes, and 32 seconds after those made by our good pal Deedee.


Upon waddling up the beach our good pal Deedee quack-gasped: “I have just three things I want to say: One is that you should never, never, never, never, ever even try stuff until you’re at least 70 years old. Two is only old people live long enough to have dreams this ridiculously insane. Three is this may seem like an individual sport, but I have to thank all my friends who insisted I couldn’t do it at age 94. Without their taunts, dares, and petty insults there is no way I could have achieved this on my own.”


And here are Diana Nyad’s comments as she staggered up the shore: “I have three things to say: One is we should never ever give up. Two is you are never too old to chase your dreams. Three is it looks like a solitary sport, but it’s a team sport.”


Though I suspect you are as aghast as I am at Diana’s thinly-veiled plagiarism there is still more to this story than a nearly dead duck outgunning a motivated and motivational senior swimmer…


Shh! Top Secret


According to a top secret leaked and spilled on document released only to yours truly by a still-employed NSA contractor who once saw Edward Snowden eating a pre-bankruptcy Twinkie, one of Diana’s assistants was hired to mug me after I revived Deedee. Yes, shocking, isn’t it? This person then stole my camera and all my duck history writing gear (i.e. my pencil and smiley-faced pad of post-it notes). In truth, I only vaguely remember the mugging as I was drinking my fifth rum and coke at the time of the incident, trying to wash the vile taste of 94 year old nearly dead duck out of my mouth. Be that as it may, and in spite of a rather hazy recollection of events as I sat in a damp and dingy prison cell the next day for reasons that still remain a mystery, the leaked records in play clearly prove Deedee’s statements were transcribed and emailed to the crew aboard Diana’s support boats who in turn rewrote, edited, and then secretly handled them off to Diana just before she stepped up to the cameras. I ask you: Is no nearly dead duck deed sacred anymore?


A top secret NSA memo.

This hush, hush NSA spilled and leaked on memo tells the true story.


So sure Diana Nyad swims 103 miles without a shark cage, but please, please, please let’s all remember this amazing feat of history the way it really almost happened and give credit to people like me who keep coming up with this stuff! Go Deedee!


Stay tuned…More Famous Ducks Of History coming your way.


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