15 Rules Guaranteed To Lead To Happiness. Or not!

 

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If you’re a superior human being (as we plainly expect you to be since you found this page), and if you’re hoping to discover the hidden secrets for living a more meaningful, successful life you can relax. Below we list our very own heretofore super-secret 15 critical rules that will help guide you from the dark, bleak depths of your just-shy-of-being-blissfully-content state of existence toward a wowie zowie, bright ‘n shiny, zippitty doo dah one. Okay, so maybe the best you can hope for is a semi-detached, partially disabled, and mentally unbalanced state perched atop a perilously steep precipice that drops dangerously down into the depths of despair, but how will you know unless you read on?

 

15 super secret rules to live by.

I wouldn’t share this or everyone will end up happy. Or not!

Without further ado, here are the rules you need to know in order to right your ship, chart new waters, and to go where no one has gone before. (Editor’s note: This would really be a good place for the music to swell.)

 

1)   Do the stuff you like. Here’s the thing: It’s okay to do the stuff you like, and to skip right over the stuff you hate. However, if you like it and choose not to do it, then you might ask if you have suddenly come to like it a whole lot less than you thought you did. Also, if you’re doing stuff you know you hate, the act of doing it means someone like your girlfriend or mother probably forced you into it. Believe me, it’s better to go along than delve into it. Finally, if you’re bored just find a new hobby. Was that really so hard? To sum up: Whatever it is you want to do or don’t do, go ahead and do or don’t do it. That is, unless it’s too expensive, you can’t find the remote control, or you’re just being ornery.

 

Don't buy into your fear.

It’s so hard to get a good deal on fear these days.

2)   Don’t buy into fear. Let’s face it: It’s hard to get a good deal on fear these days unless you can find it with a Groupon. I say never buy a  fear you don’t need, unless you want the extra company. Truth is, most any fear is kind of clingy and hard to get rid of once you already own it so don’t be over anxious to glom onto a different one just because it’s all shiny and new. Oh, and if the fear you end up with feels really scary it may be trying to tell you something critically important. Better pay attention.

 

3)   Don’t let others tell you what to do. The trouble here is that “Others” can be pretty damn smart sometimes so you may actually want to pay attention to what they have to tell you. However, if you just want to thumb your nose at “Others” because they tick you off, tell them to take a hike, and then secretly do what they told you to do anyway. That’s bound to show them who’s boss.

 

4)   Don’t worry about money. Can you have enough money? Never. That’s why it’s critically important to skip worrying about money, unless you’re starving and then should worry one heck of a lot more. Just consider what a beggar who was once a rich and famous boxer told me two minutes ago: “Beggars can’t be choosers, but boxers who take one too many bad punches are bound to be beggars and believe me that’s a bugger.”

 

All of the Jones's have great legs.

It’s just not worth trying to keep up with legs like these.

5)   Don’t bother trying to keep up with the Jones’s. Who are the Jones’s anyway? I say it’s too frickin’  hard to keep up with anyone who has legs as long as Mr. or Mrs. Jones, or for that matter, Samantha and Samuel Jones, their teenage children. No, it’s much easier to keep up with vertically challenged people like the Oompa Lumpas. Remember, the need you feel to keep up with the Jones’s is really all about your thigh and calf envy so do what all good Oompa Lumpas do and go shoe shopping. You’ll start feeling better immediately.

 

6)    Don’t hang with stupid people. Don’t you just hate people that are dumber than you are? For that matter, don’t you hate people who are smarter than you are? I say, if you’ve got to be stupid, it’s better to hang with someone dumber, or to pretend you’re dumber than you really are. That way nobody will know if you’re smart, stupid, or otherwise, and that means they won’t want to risk losing you as a friend for fear they may look like a complete imbecile. Besides, if you pretend to be stupid, you can make the occasional smart-alecky comment and that will really impress all your dumbest buddies.

 

7)   Don’t go into debt. You can go into huge debt easy if you buy something way too expensive, or if you buy way too much stuff on the cheap. Either way, you may end up in a hole so deep they’ll have to pump sunshine to you. Believe me, that’s deep! It’s far better to stick to holes that are shallow and don’t resemble a grave, or better yet stick to small mounds where a hole is out of the question. Then you can expect every day to be a sunny sun sunshine day. Don’t you feel better already?

 

Are you ready to burn your bridges?

Chicka’s past the point of caring about consequences.

8)   Don’t burn your bridges. This is not the dark ages. It doesn’t pay to try burning your bridges these days as they stopped using wood a long time ago. No, most modern bridges are made from steel and concrete. Frankly, any bridge worth its salt today could care less if you have matches. The truth is bridges are far more concerned about explosives. Seriously, if the goal is to destroy a bridge, then do the job right from the get-go and invest in a truckload of TNT.

 

 

 

9)   Practice the art of listening. However, if you’re too busy or bored to listen, then I highly recommend you practice the fine art of appearing to listen, which may even be better. Remember, you heard it heard it first from the Obi-Wan of rules to live by, namely me, and I quote, “Everybody likes to hear themselves prattle on at great length so all you need to do to keep them happy is remember to nod. And for those who have mastered the nod adding an occasional “uh-huh” adds a truly heartfelt touch.”

 

Practice the art of listening.

The fine art of appearing to listen can go a long way. Better start practicing.

 

10)  Don’t be afraid to fail. Heck, I fail all the time and nobody even bothers to tell me anymore. Then again, I know failure can bite big time if you get stuck on “having goals.” That’s why I avoid them at all costs. The truth is it may be far less trouble to do nothing at all. That way you can put off failure indefinitely. Talk about a win!

 

Is life just one long hangover? There's still time to change.

Is it time to clean up your act?

11)  Don’t be afraid to disappoint others. Why just disappoint someone when ticking them off is so much better? Or for that matter why not really blow their minds and cut them out of your life completely? No, never be afraid to disappoint when there are so many better options to generate a sense of utter chaos and despair.

 

12)  Practice Gratitude. How can you be truly grateful unless you’ve got something to be grateful about? You can’t, right? That’s why I always advise people to practice being selfish and whiny first. I say, practice, practice, practice twenty-four-seven for a whole week. Then when the week is up and you realize you don’t have to practice anymore, chances are you’ll be really grateful for not having to practice, or you’ll be really grateful for getting a whole week to whine. How can you lose?

 

Eat before you exercise, during, and after. You'll never go hungry.

Kevin and Barry are on a path toward physical excellence.

13)  Exercise and eat right. Ever eat after exercising? Yeah, me too, and I’ve found it’s much better to eat before exercise, during exercise, and afterwards. That way you never burn too many calories and go hungry.

 

14)  Define who you are and want you want to be. If you’re struggling with this, just point to someone else and remind yourself why you’re happy you’re not just like them. Here’s the deal: Sometimes it’s far more useful knowing who you don’t want to be and what you really dislike. Hey, if you work really hard at this then by the simple process of eliminating the 7 billion other souls on this planet you’ll end up ecstatic to learn you’re completely superior to the rest of humanity.

 

15)  Live in the moment. Sure the moment has its rare moments of momenthood, but if you’re like me and can’t afford to live there on a long-term basis then I suggest checking into La La Land. For most of us, La La Land is a much more satisfying place to call home, plus it can be a whole lot easier to get to if you’re currently stuck in the past or future. Yep, it’s La La Land for me.

 

There you have it: 15 rules guaranteed to insure your complete happiness and success and bring you one small step closer to a wowie zowie, bright ‘n shiny, zippitty doo dah lifestyle. Or not!

 

Did you enjoy reading this half as much as I did writing it? If you did could you tell at least a quarter of your friends by clicking on one of the buttons below? Seriously, they need all the help they can get.

 

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